


Always Gold

by Jellyfax



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Domestic, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-11
Updated: 2013-10-19
Packaged: 2017-11-25 21:12:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 37,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/643004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellyfax/pseuds/Jellyfax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Millennia have passed and Merlin has wandered the earth alone, waiting for Arthur to return. When he finally does he finds the world a very changed place, he and Merlin have to find a place in the ever changing 21st century and some of the feelings they had tried so hard to hide may not need to be so hidden any more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Thousand Years (or so)

**Author's Note:**

> So I thought I had just about got over the end of Merlin, but I haven't! So this is my little cathartic fic, set after the end of series 5 and in the present day. I don't speak Welsh so it's very rough and probably not quite right but I hope it makes sense! M for language and eventual Slash.
> 
> These lovely boys belong to the BBC!

The last thing he remembered was the blue of Merlin's eyes. They had been so bright and full of tears, he had just lost himself in them. As he felt the darkness encroaching they were what he held on to, the only thing in the world. The darkness would have been terrifying if it hadn't been for those eyes. The darkness gave way to something else, he was no longer in pain, he wasn't afraid or sad or angry, he just … was. It was warm to start with, warm and bright. Arthur couldn't tell how long it had been, it was like falling asleep, it could have been hours but at the same time it felt like no time at all. He only noticed that any time had passed at all when he felt a sharp pain in his chest, the warmth ebbed away and was replaced by painfully numbing cold. It was icy and sharp and when the sensation reached his chest he gasped, gulping in cold air. He sat up and felt the cold morning light on his face and the gentle lapping of water on his legs.

~~~~~

It didn't matter how much time passed, after the first decade the years just blurred together and after the second century Merlin had given up trying to keep track. He had just kept wandering, by the first Millennium the pain in his chest had dulled to a heavy weight, a persistent throbbing. By the dawn of the second Millennium he barely noticed it any more, it was as much a part of him now as his magic. At first he had wanted to stay, he had sat by the lake for weeks, but when it had finally sunk in that Arthur wasn't coming back he had run. He ran as far away as he could, he crossed Europe, travelled with Druids through Franks, lived amongst the Drackens in Vasconia, travelled north through Turingie to become the chief magician in the high houses of the Norsemen. He watched cities burn, kingdoms rise and fall, he travelled through countries only to return to find them different countries entirely. He had travelled by donkey through Gaul and returned in a trap through France. He had found much comfort in the artists and great minds of Italy, he was fascinated by the ingenuity, he and Da Vinci were great friends, his pig-headedness was something Merlin found easy to accept. He had travelled with Leonardo until his death. It was only then that he returned home.

He found it much changed, Camelot had all but disappeared into what was now Wales, England had all but destroyed the old religion, even Scotland hadn't been spared the cull. He had felt stifled at first, the lack of magic drove him to the emerald isle where much of the old magic still thrived. He stayed in Ireland for a while, it could have been hundreds of years, he lost count, but he finally settled again in Wales. Once he was back in old Camelot he found it difficult to leave. This had meant staying away from people as much as possible and changing his appearance every few decades. He had chosen to age alongside Leonardo but it was artificial, he had aged another five years or so after Arthur's death and only the druids could see his true age.

Merlin had all but given up hope, plagues had ravaged the land, he had lived through the worst wars anyone could have imagined, the fires burnt for days in the ruins of war but still Arthur hadn't returned. He chose to live in Wales, it felt as like home as anywhere he had travelled, settling in a cabin not far from Llanberis, on the shore of Llyn Padarn. He had taken the name Emrys, Merlin had become a little conspicuous, and found a job at the local coffee shop, it was mindless work that paid the bills and for a few hours every day he could be a part of this new world and forget all the pain of his past. In his spare time he discovered his love for writing, he had acquired a laptop and had been taken online courses in history and writing. He was quite the scholar at heart and loved adding his own experiences to the official stories, he was writing a semi historical, semi fictional book on the renaissance and had even found someone interested in publishing it.

He was looking out over the lake early one morning when he felt it. The low, dull pain in his chest was gone. He felt light, his head was spinning, something wasn't right. The wind was picking up, the clouds rolled in unnaturally fast, coloured a dark, foreboding grey. Merlin ran outside, the wind slamming the door behind him, the storm was unnatural and nothing he tried could stop calm it. There was a flash on the other side of the lake followed by an ear-splitting crack and then silence. The wind died and the clouds paled and thinned in front of his eyes. There was a solitary beam of sunlight that had seeped through the cracks in the lightening cloud, illuminating the lake on the opposite shore. Merlin had been waiting nearly two millennia for a sign. This was it.

~~~~~

Arthur sat up and looked around, he was by a large lake, it wasn't Avalon, there were mountains all around him and he could see a settlement in the distance. That seemed like the best bet, somebody would know who he was and get him back to Camelot and then he could set things straight. It was only as he got up that he realised that he was completely naked.

"Shit!"

He looked around him aimlessly and cursed again. His thoughts were interrupted by a loud rumbling sound behind him. He clambered awkwardly up the bank to see what could have made the noise. He could still hear the rumbling, it faded in and out sometimes very loud, other times quieter, but his view was obscured by a tall hedge. Further intrigued he decided to follow the hedgerow towards the town, it was a little chilly and he inwardly cursed his nudity, rubbing his hands up and down his arms in vain. His feet had started to sting before he got to a break in the hedge, the ground changed to a strange black stone that snaked out in front of him into the town, it was some sort of road, though Arthur had never encountered the black stone before. The rumbling had returned and was growing louder, an enormous metal monstrosity emerged from the town, belching black smoke and roaring menacingly. Arthur yelped and leapt back as it rumbled past, thankfully it seemed not to acknowledge his presence. Perturbed but not disheartened Arthur continued down the "road" until he reached the first house. It was an odd building, but as he ventured further in he realised that they all looked just like the first, tall and oblong with tiles on the roofs and glass in large panels in the walls. He was looking at one particularly odd one when he heard a woman squeal. He turned around to see two women giggling hysterically to one another, they were dressed in tight men's clothes, trousers and oddly cut tops. The one with dark hair bit her lip and looked him up and down, then looked back at her companion and laughed again.

"Esgusodwch fi … ti'n siarad Cymraeg?" she looked at him expectantly, "No? English?"

 _Thank goodness,_ "Yes, yes I speak English! Where am I?"

The women frowned slightly and looked at each other, "Llanberis. Are you alright love? Why are you in the middle on Llanberis bollock naked?"

"Llanberis? Where is that, I have never heard of such a place before, I just woke up down that way," he gestured to where he had walked from, "I am in need of some clothes and I'll need a horse." Another strange metal creature growled past, "What is  _that_?"

The blonde woman was starting to look concerned, she said something to her friend in hushed tones who nodded and started to take off the outer layer of clothes. She offered it to him.

"Take my coat, it's all I can give you for now but if you come with us, we'll see what we can do with you."

He took the coat tentatively and wrapped it around himself, it just about covered his arse.

"Why are the hot ones always nutters?"

~~~~~

It took Merlin an hour to walk to town, he had never liked the new transport, he hadn't liked to ride horses back home, let alone bicycles or cars! It didn't take him long to track down his lost king, even on the outskirts of town the people were talking about the strange appearance of the attractive, naked man. He had asked around and apparently Rhiannon Evans and Fi Pritchard, the barmaids from the local pub, had found him wandering completely naked on the road from Canaerfon and had got him some clothes and taken him to the police station to look at missing persons. Before he could get to the station he saw a crowd around the square, people were muttering and there was someone shouting. He felt his pulse quicken, was this it? Was this, finally, after an eternity, the day he would get to see Arthur again?

"Just somebody get me a  _horse_! These clothes are  _ridiculous_! I don't wish to speak to any  _police_ , I know who I am, I am not missing, I am Arthur Pendragon! Pendragon!"

There, stood in jeans and a T-shirt was Arthur.


	2. The Truth Often Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur discovers quite how long he's been away.

They had taken him to a strange building full of clothes that smelt funny, they didn't have them tailored, just looked at him and collected a few items up. They had no undergarments for him so he just had to wear the trousers as they were, and they were itchy. The women, the dark haired one called herself Rhiannon and the shorter blonde girl Fi, tried to lead him to see  _police_ , whatever that was, it had been the last straw, they had barely told him anything, he was in some strange land far from home and no one seemed to know anything!

"I am not missing, I am Arthur Pendragon! Pendragon! Don't you get it? I am …"

"Arthur?"

He froze. He knew that voice, he could barely believe it but he  _knew_ that voice. He turned around to see him standing there in front of the crowd, dressed like everyone else, his hair was scruffy and he had rough stubble on his chin but his eyes were the same, that perfect blue.

"Merlin?"

The two men just looked at each other for a moment in complete silence before Merlin ran forwards and wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck.

"Oh god Arthur, I'd almost given up …" he choked back a sob, "…it's been so long, I wasn't sure you were ever coming back … I … thank god!"

"Emrys, wyt ti'n nabod y boi?" _(Emrys, do you know this guy?)_

Merlin broke away from Arthur and turned to face Rhiannon, "Ie, mae'n... ffrind" _(Yes, he's ... a friend)_

She raised a brow, "If you say so, love, do you need me to call the doctor to get him checked out or anything?"

He shook his head and turned to Arthur, "Come with me, we have to talk, there is a lot I need to tell you."

~~~~~

The walk home had been quiet, Arthur had spent most of it in complete silence, just looking around and flinching every time a car drove past. Merlin had explained the car in simple terms to pacify him but mostly Merlin had stayed silent as well, he spent the majority of the walk just looking at Arthur. His hair was dishevelled and his clothes fitted awkwardly but otherwise he was the same Arthur, the same eyes, the same temper … he could barely believe that he was actually here. He hadn't meant to cry, he had gone over the moment in his head every day, meeting Arthur again, but in the end there was no big reveal, no dramatic entrance or any big speeches, he had just been relieved, so God damned relieved!

When they arrived at the cabin Merlin unlocked the door and was stepping inside when Arthur stopped him.

"How long have I been gone?"

Merlin looked at him quizzically for a moment, "How long do you think you've been gone?"

Arthur visibly wrestled with this question, it hadn't felt like that long at all.

"I … I don't know, I was dying by the lake, I could feel the life seeping out of me, it was as easy as falling asleep. Then … I'm not sure, it felt like it could have been only moments, maybe hours, maybe even years I'm not sure… What year is it Merlin, tell me the truth."

Merlin bit his lip and screwed up his eyes, this wasn't going to be easy, everything and everyone Arthur had known was dead and gone, long gone. He would find his name in story books and every child knew his life story. This was a new world, completely different from anything he could ever have imagined.

"Come inside Arthur, please."

The defeated look Merlin gave him was enough to tell him it had been a lot longer than a few years. He reluctantly followed his friend inside.

The cabin was fairly small, everything was on the one floor, the bedroom was at the back, the bathroom just opposite it, there was an open plan kitchen that faced out over the lake and the living room that melded into the kitchen just had an old sofa and a television in the corner. It wasn't much at all but that suited Merlin, he had never been one for living in luxury. The cabin had originally belonged to a man who helped to maintain the national park, but Merlin had liked the isolation and had convinced him to sell it, with a little magical persuasion that Merlin wasn't entirely proud of.

Merlin sat down on the sofa , tucking one leg under the other to face Arthur who sat stiffly down next to him. They sat in silence for another few moments.

"2013"

Arthur looked up, "What?"

"The year, it's two thousand and thirteen Anno Domini, approximately one thousand, three hundred and eighty nine years since you … since you left."

The former king sat perfectly still, staring at the wall just behind Merlin's head.

"Arthur? Are you ok? I know it's got to be a lot to take in …"

"You." His eyes flitted up to meet Merlin's.

"Me?"

"You've been here the whole time? You've lived for a thousand years?"

Merlin laughed sadly, "I've been waiting for you."

"And Guinevere? Gaius? Leon? Gwaine? Percival? Everyone?!"

The warlock winced and looked down at his hands, he hadn't even bothered to stay and see what happened to Gwen's kingdom, he never got to say that last goodbye to Gaius, he had been a coward and he had left.

"Dead … gone, long gone." He breathed in shakily, "I … Percival and Gwaine died before … Gwen remarried a few years after you … left … her blood still runs through the veins of the monarchy today."

When he looked up from his hands Arthur could see the tears beginning to fall.

"I'm so sorry Arthur."

Arthur wanted to embrace him, tell him it wasn't his fault, that he had been through enough and that  _he_ was the one who was sorry. Sorry for leaving, sorry for not being strong enough but he couldn't. He just sat there. He felt dead inside. Everything and everyone he had ever known died a thousand years ago. He wasn't a king any more, he was just a man, lost in some strange land with no family, no friends, no one. Except Merlin.

~~~~~

Arthur had sat there for hours, still, silent, unresponsive. Merlin had talked to him, made him tea, cried, apologised, shouted and pleaded but he just sat there. When it had got dark Merlin had taken his arm and led him to the bedroom, he lay him down and closed the door, the warlock was content with sleeping on the sofa.

He stayed in the room for days, Merlin had left food and water for him but they were all left untouched. On the fourth day Merlin sat on the bed with him, talked to him about the squirrels he saw that morning, how Rhiannon had dropped by to see how his was, how he was writing a book he thought Arthur would probably find dull and uninteresting since there were no pictures. He got no response.

It was a week before Arthur left his room. Merlin was sat at the kitchen table with his laptop, books and papers scattered around him.

"I'm hungry."

Merlin started and spun around, knocking the coffee off the table.

"Shit!" he fumbled with the broken pottery, he looked up at his friend, "Arthur I … shit …"

He ran a hand through his shaggy, dark hair, his blue eyes looked tired, ringed with dark bags.

"Have you slept?"

Merlin shook his head, "Been trying to get this chapter finished, I took some time off work so I could get it done and I haven't managed to write anything, I just keep … I just can't."

Arthur took off his T-shirt and knelt down next to Merlin, he put the shirt in the pool of coffee, soaking it up and staining the grey a mottled brown.

"That won't come out you know." Merlin smiled shakily.

He looked at him for a moment stony faced.

"Thank you."

Merlin was a little startled, he frowned and picked up the sopping T-shirt, "For what?"

"For waiting, for not giving up even after a lifetime… a hundred lifetimes!"

He looked up at the man kneeling next to him, he was smiling sadly.

"You have always been so loyal, always been the one to save me. I can't even begin to think how I could ever repay you for …"

"Repay me?" Merlin scoffed, "Repay me, Arthur … I've never asked for anything because I've never wanted anything in return. And besides … you're only saying this because you're hungry, you're not yourself when you're hungry and when did Arthur Pendragon in his right mind ever have any concern for  _repaying_ his servants."

Arthur frowned but his expression softened when he saw the playful glint in Merlin's eyes. He smiled and nudged him gently on the arm.

"Shut up Merlin."


	3. Omelettes Can Be Difficult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur realises he really can't do an awful lot for himself.

They spent the next few days just talking. They didn't talk about anything specific, Merlin taught Arthur a few basic things he would need to learn to live in the modern world, he started with cooking. Being a King had had its advantages and disadvantages, Arthur had been waited on hand and foot but had no idea how to cook or clean.

"Arthur, just crack the eggs  _gently_! No, don't smash it! You just have to crack the shell enough to get the egg out."

Arthur, hands sticky with raw egg, tapped his fourth egg tentatively against the side of the bowl, "I don't understand why you decided to teach me something so difficult first, why not start with something simpler?" The shell cracked slightly.

"Look, just like that!" Merlin gestured towards the crack, "Now split it into the bowl, there you go! See, and I'm sorry to break it to you  _sire_  but an omelette  _is_  simple compared to most things."

Arthur scowled and went to wash his hands in the sink, "I never thought that food would be so difficult." He turned to face Merlin, "If I can't do something as simple as  _this_  how can you expect me to live on my own?"

Merlin smiled and turned the tap on, "You won't have to be alone Arthur, you'll always have me here, I lost you once, don't expect to be getting rid of me any time soon."

He laughed at that, "If we have to spend too much time together cooped up in here we'll kill each other, or I'll kill you at least."

"I'd like to see you try." The warlock smirked as he whisked the eggs.

Arthur's face fell, he shook his hands off and was solemn for a moment, "Merlin, why did you never tell me? You were my best friend, at times my only friend, I trusted you with everything. Why did you feel that you couldn't trust me?"

Merlin flicked the hob on and put the pan down, he couldn't look at his friend, "There were lots of reasons Arthur, you know that."

"But I want to hear it from you, I want to know why. I know I'm not the best at listening but I want to know."

Merlin breathed in deeply as he poured the egg mixture into the pan, "When I first moved to Camelot the first thing I saw was a man being executed for sorcery, it was clear that your father had no intention to let anyone off on that charge. When I started working for you I couldn't stand you, you were arrogant and selfish and spoilt, I had no reason to tell you, you would have gone straight to your father and I would have been executed." Arthur opened his mouth to protest but Merlin looked him straight in the eye and the words died in his throat, "Don't deny it Arthur, you didn't like me back then either. By the time we had become friends I'd been keeping in a secret for too long to tell you. I was going to tell you after your father died, I thought that you would have a very different opinion of magic to him, but what happened ... happened and I realised there was no way I could ever reveal myself to you without you feeling betrayed. All I ever wanted was to protect you and keeping it a secret just seemed the best way at the time."

The pair lapsed into silence again for a while, Merlin flipped the omelette and grated some cheese over the top. He slid the finished specimen onto a plate and held it out for Arthur, who took in and set it down on the table.

"Thank you."

"You're going to have to stop saying that, anyone would think you were starting to mean it." Merlin laughed quietly.

"I have a lot of thank yous to make up for Merlin, at least let me thank you for the food."

The warlock nodded and set about making his own.

Arthur shovelled a large forkful into his mouth and smiled, "You know Merlin this isn't half bad."

~~~~~

Merlin set about teaching Arthur all about the modern world, the new technology and a little bit of history and geography. However Arthur hadn't changed at all since they had parted and he found lessons of any sort boring. Instead he was particularly taken with the television, the moving pictures fascinated him, he was like a child and it made Merlin smile to think how exciting and terrifying it must be to have so much to learn, and how much Arthur seemed to be enjoying it.

At first he had tried to open up the screen, he had been adamant that he had to find the people trapped inside. Merlin had cried with laughter when a documentary about Africa had come on and Arthur hid behind the sofa convinced that the lions wouldn't be contained in the box for long. After that Merlin had forced him to sit down and listen to it from the beginning, first the development of the camera, photographs and films. When it got to images being transmitted through the air Arthur stopped him, as far as he was concerned the camera explanation was enough, the rest was detail. He spent a lot of his time in front of the television and had become quite a fan of some of the Welsh children shows. It didn't matter that he didn't understand what was being said, the colours and the characters were simple and it was easy enough to follow, the adult programmes were full of references and slang that confused him, watching Jeremy Kyle had made his head hurt.

The shower was another fascination for the former king, he loved the feeling of the hot water running over his shoulders.

"Merlin! Come in here for a moment! Merlin have you seen this? What is it?"

Merlin had entered the bathroom to see Arthur in just his boxers, soaked through under the shower.

"It's like a waterfall but the water is warm! Why have you been running me baths when there was this!"

"Arthur, for God's sake! Put some clothes on … or take them off and I'll leave! Christ! White boxers and water Arthur!"

Arthur flushed a bright red as he realised his mistake, modern clothes were thinner than his old ones, and the water had rendered these practically obsolete.

That lunchtime was particularly quiet.

Arthur had taken to having long showers since he discovered it, it relaxed him and left him feeling warm and content. On more than one occasion he had been in the bathroom for so long that Merlin had had to unlock the door from the outside only to find Arthur sitting asleep in the cubicle with the water still running over him.


	4. Women Have Good Taste (apparently)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin takes Arthur to work and Arthur discovers coffee.

When Monday swung by again Merlin had to go back to work, he wasn't sure if he trusted Arthur at home on his own yet so he gave him some of his old clothes and they left for the coffee shop together. While he had seemed to get his head around most of the modern concepts that Merlin had introduced him to he had yet to experience them outside of the house. Anna's was a quaint little coffee shop in the centre of the village, it had a rustic feel to it, little patterned tablecloths and wooden chairs, net curtains and a vintage wooden counter. Merlin smiled at Anna as they walked in.

"Anna, I hope you don't mind but Arthur is going to sit in with me today, he still isn't quite feeling himself."

Anna was a homely, middle aged woman with long brown hair habitually tied in a rough pony tail. She smiled at Arthur and took Merlin aside.

"Is he that young  _naked_ man everyone was talking about the other week? Is that why you were off?"

Merlin blushed and shrugged his shoulders, "I'm so sorry Anna, he was sick and feverish and must have passed out, forgotten things for a while, he was very ill and confused and I couldn't leave him. He is feeling much better now but I couldn't leave him alone again after what happened last time."

Anna nodded, "So long as he doesn't cause any trouble Emrys, you're a good boy and I trust you but any nonsense and you'll have to find somewhere else for him."

Merlin relaxed and thanked her, he took his apron from the hook and tied it around his neck and waist.

"Arthur, I'm working 'til five so you'll just have to sit tight ok? I'll bring you some coffee over later, I know you didn't like the stuff I had at home but I'm fairly sure you'll like what I make here, it's so much better."

"Thank you," Merlin smiled at him and walked over to the counter, "Oh and Merlin, if there's anything I can do, you know … to help … let me know." Merlin's smile grew and he glanced at Anna who shrugged, "He can do the washing up out back if he needs something to do."

Merlin barked a laugh, "Arthur! Doing the washing up! Now that's something I'd like to see!"

Arthur frowned at him and folded his arms across his chest, "Alright then Merlin, seeing as you don't think I can, I'll prove you wrong! What is there to wash and where shall I do it?"

The older woman frowned and shook her head, "There's nothing to do yet, but I'll let you know when there is and Emrys can fetch you some rubber gloves and washing up liquid." She turned to Merlin, "Just one question, why does he call you Merlin? Does he mean like the Wizard?"

He laughed nervously and scratched the back of his neck, "Err … it's just a nickname … he err … Merlin … my name is Emrys and that was what the druids used to call Merlin … in the old stories, you see … Arthur was a bit of a fan of the tales when we were younger, he fancied himself as a bit of a King Arthur, had the ego for it, so he called me Merlin … as a joke … of course.."

Anna raised an eyebrow as he trailed off, "I see …" she muttered something under her breath and turned back to arranging the pastries.

~~~~~

After the morning rush Merlin set to find Arthur a coffee that he liked. He was quite a skilled barista and people often came to Anna's just for his coffee. He suspected this was the only reason Anna had kept him on. The regulars all knew him as Emrys, he seemed to be well liked as a person as well as a barista. The women were particularly fond of him, flirting and giggling. He watched with amusement at first, expecting Merlin to be awkward but he was surprising relaxed, he smiled back and winked at the odd customer, adding a little bit more showmanship to his coffee making for the ladies. After a while Arthur felt a knot form in his stomach, he had never seen Merlin interested in anyone before, it was strangely difficult to watch. One particularly attractive giggling blonde was the last straw, he got up from the table and sauntered over as nonchalantly as possible.

"Excuse me but I believe you promised me a coffee."

The girl stopped giggling and looked at Arthur, then back at Merlin, her eyes widening.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise you had a  _friend_ Emrys, I'll talk to you later!" she winked and went off to join her gaggle of friends in the corner of the shop, all of whom turned around to look at the two men standing at the counter.

Merlin raised a brow, "Was that really necessary?"

Arthur coloured a little, "Come on Merlin, you were embarrassing yourself, you know you are terrible with women."

"You'd be surprised," He ran a hand through his dark hair and winked at one of the girls who was still staring, she giggled and blushed furiously, "I've had quite a few years of practice."

Arthur scowled at him and mumbled something incoherent, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Ok, so you want to try a coffee. What do you want?"

Arthur looked at him incredulously, "Surprise me."

First he gave Arthur an Americano to try, he hadn't liked it, then a cappuccino, which he preferred but still wasn't particularly fond of. However, much to Merlin's amusement it was the vanilla latte that Arthur liked the most.

"Arthur, you do realise that the majority of people who drink this are women."

Arthur stopped mid-sip, shrugged and continued drinking, "They obviously have excellent taste."

Merlin laughed again and felt his chest tighten, he had forgotten what it had felt like to spend time with Arthur, the jibes and the banter, he had missed it terribly.

Arthur took another sip of his vanilla latte, he didn't care if it was a woman's drink, it tasted damn good. He glanced over at Merlin who was serving a customer, he topped the woman's frothy drink with a flourish and a smile, he seemed so relaxed in this strange, new environment. He smiled into his coffee and leaned back in his chair, despite everything that had happened he was feeling quite content.

~~~~~

A few hours later Arthur was not feeling quite so content, he was elbow deep in suds wearing Anna's flowery apron and pink rubber gloves. Merlin had not stopped laughing since he had emerged from the back room scowling and cursing, but he had been far too stubborn to let it stop him. After he had finished and he had smugly thrown the soapy gloves at Merlin's head Anna had handed him a mop and Merlin had practically cackled.

"Arthur?"

He scowled again and looked up incredulously. His expression softened when he saw it was Anna who had called him, Merlin was still through the back. She beckoned him over.

"I don't know who you are or whether you'll be sticking around but sincerely hope you will be." Arthur raised a brow, "I haven't seen Emrys smile like this for as long as I've known him and he has worked here for five years! It took me a year just to get him to laugh, but you," she shook her head, "He just lights up when he's around you." She smiled sadly, "You don't have to be a mind reader to know he has had a rough life, lost people he has cared about, but you make him happy and God knows he deserves to be happy!"

Arthur ran his hand through his hair, "I don't think I'll be leaving any time soon, he is just about my only friend in this world."

It was Anna's turn to raise an eyebrow, "Friend?" Arthur gave her a puzzled look, "Oh … I'm sorry, I just thought … oh well this is embarrassing … it's just he has never shown any _real_ interest in women, and there have been a few interested parties believe you me! Well … I'm glad you'll be sticking around regardless." She shook her head and went back out into the kitchen.

~~~~~

When they got home Arthur switched the television on and slumped on the sofa.

"Can I ask you something Merlin?"

Merlin, who had just shoved a large piece of bread into his mouth, mumbled something and nodded his head.

"That woman, Anna, said something peculiar earlier and I was wondering if you could shed some light on the situation."

Merlin swallowed, "Err … yeah sure."

"She told me that she hoped that I stuck around because I made you happy but was confused when I told her we were friends. She said that it had something to do with your lack of interest in women."

Merlin flushed bright red and coughed nervously. "Just that I don't do relationships as such. I like to be on my own and she worries about me, that's all."

Of course Anna knew that he wasn't interested in women, she had tried to set him up with her daughter a few months after he started working there and that had ended disastrously. He only flirted with the women in the shop because he knew nothing would ever come of it, and if it kept them coming back in it was good for business. He hadn't been one for romance of any kind but as the centuries drew on he had found that he needed company, male company as it happened. He had always kept it quiet for fear of arrest or in some cases even execution but in recent decades the concept of two men together had become less taboo, and nowadays it was accepted almost entirely. However for Arthur he was fairly certain it was still something that disgusted him. His heart wrenched at that thought, Arthur had always been in his thoughts, and even back in Camelot there had been … something. He was stubborn and pig-headed and vain but loyal and brave and wonderful and just seeing him made his heart soar, it wasn't until Arthur's last moments that he truly realised how he felt. There was an old saying, that you never know what you have until it's gone, and that was more than true in Merlin's case, as he watched Arthur's body burn he realised that he would have given up everything to save his life, not because he was his friend but because he loved him, more than he had ever loved anyone or would love anyone ever again. Once again, Merlin found he had a terrible secret to keep.


	5. Dedicated Follower of Fashion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur goes shopping and finds out a lot more than he was bargaining for

Arthur enjoyed spending his time at the coffee shop, the more time he spent with the locals the more comfortable he got. He found that Merlin wasn't the only one who attracted female attention, one day he managed to acquire five napkins with numbers on them from various women who had told him to call them. He wasn't entirely sure what that meant but he was fairly sure it was flirtatious.

The little bell on the door tinkled again and Arthur heard a voice he recognised. He looked up to see Rhiannon standing in the doorway. Their eyes met and her face lit up. Merlin smiled, Rhiannon was one of his few real friends here, she had had a crush on him at first but after she discovered his sexuality she had settled for friendship. She was bubbly and easy going, if a little blunt at times, but she was kind and understanding as well.

"Arthur! So good to see you again, are you feeling better?"

Arthur got up and walked over to her. He started as she threw her arms around him. He wasn't used to the idea that acquaintances being so familiar yet. She stepped back, looked him up and down and frowned.

"Arthur, love, are you wearing Emrys' clothes?" she turned to Merlin, "Emrys you can't seriously think he can spend his life wearing your rags! You don't have great fashion sense at the best of times but just look at him, he has the arse of a god and he is wearing those baggy old things." Merlin blushed, "We are taking him shopping, he doesn't need to be sat around here all day and it'll give you some space."

Rhiannon took his hand and led him out of the shop, Arthur looked back at Merlin, eyes wide and pleading. Merlin just shrugged and grinned smugly as his friend was dragged out of the shop.

~~~~~

It was the first time Arthur had been in a car. He tried his best not to panic but he spent the entire journey to the shops gripping onto the handle of the door for dear life, his face as pale as his knuckles.

The 'shopping centre' as Rhiannon called it was a vast building with panes of glass three stories high and was thronging with people. First she dragged him into a dark building, the music was loud and it was difficult to see but Rhiannon knew what she was looking for and shoved a bundle of clothes into his arms and pointed him the direction of a small cubicle. The clothes were tight and the fastenings were confusing but when he was done he was surprised at how well the clothes suited him. He opened the door and heard a sharp intake of breath. Rhiannon was smiling, biting on her lower lip and looking him up and down. The jeans were dark and distressed, low rise and tight around his arse, the top was yellow and purple striped with a white collar.

"I don't care how expensive it is, we are buying you those jeans. Emrys is going to  _die_ when he sees you!" Arthur frowned a little, "But I'm not so keen on the top, try the blue shirt on."

Arthur shrugged and stripped to the waist, Rhiannon gasped and there were a few giggles from around the room. He was stood in just the jeans, the dim lighting emphasised his perfectly toned abs and obliques. He looked a lot like the men on the posters outside the shop.

"Arthur! Not here! Go back into the cubicle!" she snorted and burst out laughing.

He blushed and looked around, there were a few women eyeing him up, a couple of men as well. He flushed redder and went back into the changing room.

~~~~~

They bought the jeans, the blue shirt and a hooded top, all of which Rhiannon insisted he wear once they left the shop. They went to a few other shops, one which consisted entirely of shelves of shoes. Arthur had never seen anything like it before. Then they went for lunch, Arthur had no idea what half of the things on the menu were, Rhi said it was Italian food, so he ordered something with chicken.

"So are you going to be staying with Emrys for long?" She asked as the drinks arrived.

Arthur shrugged, "I expect so, I have nowhere else to go." He sipped his drink, it was sweet and full of bubbles.

"Good. You're good for him you know. His smiles used to be quite hollow, but they're warm now, he's happy. He hasn't exactly had much luck with men recently, one date and that's about it, it's nice to see one stick around."

Arthur coughed and the bubbles fizzed up his nose, "Date! Men? What are you talking about?"

Rhiannon furrowed her brow a little and laughed, "I didn't mean to pry, I know a lot of men don't like to define their relationships but I thought since you were intending on living together that things were …" she trailed off and looked at him quizzically.

"He is attracted to  _men_? But all those women, in the café?"

She laughed musically, "Oh bless, the only reason he flirts with them is that he knows nothing will come of it, he isn't  _that_ shameless!"

"So, you don't have a problem with it?"

She frowned, "With what? His sexuality? God no! Why should I have a problem with love? Love is love, you can't help who you fall in love with! Life is too short and people have committed worse crimes than loving someone."

Arthur considered this for some time, he ate the food distractedly, he barely noticed the car journey home. Was it really ok for a man to love another man? Rhi had seemed shocked that he thought she was bothered by it, he knew back home it wasn't unheard of but it just wasn't the done thing. The gentle chime of the bell on the door and the sound of Merlin's laughter broke into his thoughts. The sound was warm but what Arthur saw sent shivers down his spine.

Standing in front of him was his best friend, but he was different in a way, he was chatting animatedly to a young man with glasses and a dusky grey scarf. How many times over the last couple of weeks had he seen Merlin talking to men like this and hadn't even noticed? He felt a hot anger bubble away in the pit of his stomach. He had been bothered by the women, it hadn't even crossed his mind that it wasn't the  _women_ he had to be worried about. He pursed his lips and folded his arms, Rhiannon raised a brow and coughed loudly. Merlin looked away from the young man grinning. His smile faltered when he saw Arthur, he looked him up and down, licking his lips thoughtfully. The customer he was serving turned around as well, he let out a low whistle and bit his lip.

"Where have you been hiding this one?" He turned back to Merlin and grinned, "If you haven't staked claim please let me know" he smiled playfully, picked up his coffee and winked at Arthur as he left. Arthur swallowed thickly, this new world was very forward.

Merlin heard a cough from the other side of the counter. He looked up and his breath caught in his throat. Arthur was standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest looking very displeased. His eyes flitted down to his clothes, the hoodie was pale grey and the jeans were a dark denim that hugged his legs perfectly. He tried to keep his mind from wandering but there was something about seeing him in casual 21st century clothes... He licked his lips again, "Wow Arthur … I … it suits you."

Rhiannon leaned in and whispered something in Arthur's ear, he blushed furiously and stared at his shoes.

"I told you he'd love it."

Arthur felt his face colour, he looked down and scuffed his shoe on the floor. Why the hell should he care what Merlin thought of his clothes, he never cared before. Fuck.

"I don't know what you're grinning about Merlin, there were a few things I wanted, I told Rhiannon you'd foot the bill" He slapped a receipt on the counter smiled slyly as he went through to the back.

Merlin snorted and looked at the bit of paper in front of him. He frowned at first, then his eyebrows shot up.

"You paid  _how_ much for a pair of jeans! Are you forgetting whose house you're living in?" He heard Arthur's laughter from the kitchen and he smirked, "Prat."

~~~~~

Arthur had pushed his concerns to the back of his mind, he had told Anna that he would help out around the shop to make up for spending so much time there, and drinking so much coffee. He got on well with Anna and he liked to help her, they were always just little jobs but the work kept his mind off things and it meant he got to watch Merlin on the job. He was like a different person when he was in the shop, he was bright and charismatic and so not ... Merlin, but Arthur loved it. It was like they were just ordinary people, no past, no pain, just Emrys and Arthur, two guys who work in a coffee shop.

Unfortunately it didn't last, as soon as he was left alone with his thoughts the pain came raging back. His dreams were haunted by images of Gwen, Gwaine, Percival, Leon but most troublingly Morgana. Every night he would see her die, over and over. Some nights it was Gwen dying, old and decrepit, flesh rotting and eyes glazed and white. Whoever it was and however they were dying them would all turn to him.

_This is your fault_

The nights were long when he was trying so hard not to sleep and it was taking its toll. Merlin had started to notice the dark bags under his eyes and the hollow smiles at breakfast, so he started staying up himself, just listening. Every night Arthur would go to bed, turn off the light and was quiet until he thought Merlin was asleep, then he would turn the light back on, pace the floor for a while, have a shower, climb back into bed and lie there, silent but awake, until he heard Merlin wake up. On the third morning of Merlin's observation he decided it was time to talk.

"Arthur, we need to talk."

Arthur, who had been shovelling scrambled eggs into his mouth, looked up.

"Wha' abou?"

The warlock rolled his eyes and sat down opposite him.

"You. You're not sleeping"

Arthur 's shoulders sagged, he put his fork down and sighed, "It's nothing Merlin, I'm just having trouble sleeping."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He raised a brow and pointed at his chest, "Phenomenal cosmic power, itty bitty living space" he grinned and gestured to the rest of the house.

His friend furrowed his brow, "Merlin what on earth are you talking about?"

Merlin shook his head and dismissed it, sometimes he forgot that Arthur hadn't lived here for long enough to get pop culture references.

"The point is, why didn't you just say, I could easily send you to sleep" Arthur wrinkled his nose, "or just go down to the local pharmacy and get you something if that bothers you."

Laughing exhaustedly Arthur massaged the bridge of his nose, "No, you don't understand…" he paused and shook his head, "It doesn't matter. I need some fresh air. I'm going for a walk." He got up, Merlin followed suit, only to find a hand on his chest, "Alone."

Merlin was going to protest, until he saw the pained look in his friend's eyes. He nodded resolutely and sat back down.

~~~~~

Arthur didn't really know where he was going, he just went. He walked along the lake shore at first, the water was calm and the breeze was light and fresh on his skin, but he found he wasn't alone in enjoying a weekend constitutional so he wandered into the hills. The clouds were low and the higher he went the mistier it became. The water stuck to his skin and hair, plastering it to his face, but he didn't mind, the cold reminded him he was still alive. He needed that every now and then, so much of this life felt like a dream, the coffee shop, the house, the peaceful lack of responsibility … Merlin. He had thought a lot about Merlin since his day with Rhiannon, not that he hadn't thought about him before that, but not quite in the same way. Merlin had been a servant, then a friend and now … now what was he? Family? Yes. He was the only family Arthur had left, but to what extent that was was still a little ambiguous. Gwen was a servant, then a friend then more, but would Merlin have been more had he not been a man? Was it just gender that separated his feelings for Merlin from his feelings for Gwen? Were they even separate at all anymore?

Arthur's head hurt, he was exhausted and confused and more than anything he just wanted to be back home, sitting on the sofa watching crappy tv he didn't understand with Merlin.

Maybe that was the most important thing, he wanted to spend time with Merlin, it made him happy and always had really. Maybe it didn't need to be anything, maybe it just … was.

~~~~~

It was dark before Arthur trudged back into the house. His shoes were wet and he had water and mud splattered up his legs.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Arthur looked up but his gaze went right through the dark hair and bright, concerned eyes.

"I … I think I need to sleep"

Merlin sighed, relieved that he had at least worked  _that_ out.

Arthur stripped his wet clothes off down to his boxers and collapsed onto the bed. Thank whatever powers above that Merlin was such an accommodating bastard, the bed felt like heaven.

Once Merlin was content that Arthur was asleep he lay out on the couch and closed his eyes.

~~~~~

_Flames danced all around, they burned as they licked up his legs and arms, he was screaming but there was no sound. He could hear someone laughing maniacally in the distance. In front of him, tied to a stake was Merlin, or at least what was once Merlin. His skin was melted and scorched, black and flaking, peeling away from his face to reveal bleeding sores. The only discernible feature about the poor creature in front of him was it's eyes. That ethereal blue, calm and cool yet warm at the same time. They were pleading with him, blood gurgled from it's dry, cracked lips as it spoke._

_"A … Arth … thurrrr"_

No …

_"Arrr ...th … thur"_

NO!

Merlin woke to screaming.

" **NO!** "

He sat bolt upright, it was coming from his room, from Arthur.

" **MERLIN!** "

He stumbled over the arm of the chair and ran into the room.

Arthur was writhing in the bed, drenched with sweat and screaming.  
Merlin held his shoulders and shook him, hard. Arthur's eyes shot open, they were wild and confused, tears spilling down his cheeks.

"M … Merlin?"

"Arthur, I'm here, look at me."

Arthur's grey eyes flitted over Merlin's face, there were no burns, no scars, no blood. His eyes were the same brilliant blue, there was no accusation in them this time, no judgment. He could still hear his screams, it was his fault, all of it was his fault …

"Arthur, snap out of it!"

The young king felt a sharp pain and his vision blacked out slightly, he raised a hand to his face and frowned. Someone had just slapped him. He looked up and there was Merlin, his pale skin was almost translucent in the half-light, eyes full of pain and concern.

"You … you slapped me?"

His expression softened, "You've got one of those faces." A half-formed smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, it soon disappeared again as he placed his hand on Arthur's arm, "Is this why you haven't been sleeping? Nightmares? Arthur … why didn't you tell me?"

"M'kay, didn't want to worry you."

His reply was disgruntled and tired but Merlin could hear the embarrassment in his voice.

"Prat." Arthur frowned, "Don't you get it? I always worry about you, you're stupid enough to get yourself into trouble just about everywhere we go." He smiled properly this time, it was warm and affectionate, Arthur loved that smile. "I worry because I care."

The blonde smiled weakly and nodded his head sleepily, "You need to get some sleep."

He was turning to leave when he felt a hand grip his wrist.

"Stay." Arthur looked desperately lost, "I … I need you to stay … please."

Merlin nodded, Arthur lay back down, his back to the warlock who lay down beside him. He put his arm around Arthur's waist and slipped the other under his head, he felt his companion relax. He rested his head on the pillow and breathed in deeply, nuzzling Arthur's hair gently. It smelled of rain and sweat and that unmistakable smell that was just  _Arthur_.

"Don't worry, I'm here, I'm right here."


	6. Fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur and Merlin have trouble defining their feelings.

Merlin hadn't slept on the sofa for weeks, Arthur only slept when he was there next to him. The nightmares didn't stop but when he woke up Merlin was always there to calm him and run a comforting hand through his hair.

He hated to see his king in pain but he had to admit, he had never been happier. He was so content with Arthur in his arms, he knew he should stop himself, he knew it wasn't good for him to indulge in the contact when it was so unrequited. He knew for Arthur this was just an arrangement to suit his needs, not his feelings, but he couldn't help himself. He loved falling asleep with his in his arms, he loved the way the sunlight fell on Arthur's face in the morning, he loved the smell of his hair and the feel of his skin. When he was sure he was asleep Merlin would run his fingers gently up and down Arthur's arm, it was affectionate and he was sure Arthur would mind if he was awake but when he was asleep he slept sounder, more peacefully. That was what set the warlock's mind at ease, it was self-deprivation, it was killing him on the inside but it helped Arthur and it was a sadistic kind of pleasure, it had been centuries since he had been this happy, or this heartbroken.

~~~~~

Arthur didn't know what to make of it all, they lived together, slept in the same bed, shared smiles over shared breakfast, they went to work together, came home together, fell asleep in each other's arms. To anyone else they would seem like a couple, but Arthur just couldn't accept that. He was a man, a former king of Camelot, he had a wife! More than that, Merlin was this great and powerful being who had lived on the earth for millennia, how must he look to him? So young, so naïve, so selfish.

Despite that, sometimes he really didn't care. He always woke up after Merlin, he wasn't sure how he did it but every morning when he walked through to the kitchen and he saw Merlin making breakfast, sometimes singing to himself. Arthur felt a tightness in his chest and a warmth in his stomach watching him getting on with his day to day life in a way he never saw before. When they were in Camelot Merlin was always doing things for him, and he never saw him just being … Merlin. Sometimes he caught himself just standing in the doorway and watching him, it was fascinating, the little quirks he had never noticed before and how much his magic was just a part of him. He would use it like it was nothing, to boil water, to clean the floors, even to water the bushes on occasion. It never failed to make him smile. It was times like that when he really felt guilty, everything his father had told him about magic and sorcery had been a lie, it was just a part of life for those with and it could be used for good as well as evil, just like a knife can kill but just as easily chop vegetables, it just depends on who wields it.

One morning he woke to the sound of sizzling and Merlin singing something tunelessly in the kitchen, he smiled to himself and rolled out of bed. He trudged sleepily to the living room and slumped onto the sofa.

"What's for breakfast Merlin?"

"Pancakes, you want blueberries with yours?"

Arthur flipped on the tv and hummed in confirmation, the news was on, there was still a lot he didn't understand but he loved being able to see what was happening on the other side of the world, be it good or bad, it kept him up to date.

"There you go, be careful, the plate's hot."

"Thanks Mer…" he looked up and stopped, Merlin was stood next to him with a plate in his hand, he was wearing baggy pyjama bottoms, his hair was scruffy and sticking up in tufts, it was sort of adorable. His bare chest was pale but defined and there were silvery scars across his arms and a large one that stretched from just over his heart to below his right rib. Arthur swallows thickly, "Merlin."

Merlin raised an eyebrow and Arthur flushed bright red. He looked down at his feet, his head spinning.

"I'm not hungry, I need a shower." He mumbled as he got up and wandered to the bathroom, he caught Merlin's confused stare as he locked the door behind him.

~~~~~

Arthur turned on the shower, he let the steam fill the room as he stripped off his clothes. He stepped into the torrent of hot water and shivered, what had he been thinking. He had never seen Merlin like that before, he had been … leaner … than he was expecting, he had wanted to trace the scars with his fingers, he wanted to know every story.

Shit.

His hand had migrated south, his cock was half hard.

Fuck.

He trailed his fingers up his shaft, he hadn't done anything sexual at all since before he was brought back, it was just lust, frustration, nothing else. His fingers closed around his hardening length as he unsuccessfully tried to convince himself this was nothing personal. He started pumping gently, his mind went back to Merlin's chest, his arms, the trail of dark hair leading from his stomach down to his … Shit!  
He was pumping his hand faster now, he could just imagine the touch of his skin, he wanted his hand to be Merlin's his slender, pale fingers caressing him. Hands wandering over his chest, between his thighs, he could practically feel his lips on his neck, his hot breath in his ear. Arthur bucked his hips, he could imagine Merlin's wet body pressed up against him, hard cock grinding into him, blue eyes black and blown with lust. His legs buckled as his orgasm ripped through him. He hadn't come that hard in a long time. He sank to his knees, letting the water run over him. What the hell was he thinking? What the hell was that?

Fuck.


	7. Some Scars Don't Heal So Easily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin thinks back to the years without Arthur, and Arthur starts to realise there might be more to his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has allusions to suicide.

It had been getting progressively warmer, the winter had thawed completely into spring and Merlin had found his inspiration returning with the leaves. He was spending more time on his book, and thankfully Arthur had been venturing off on his own more often recently. His growing independence was refreshing for the warlock, he loved spending time with his king but sometimes he needed some time alone. Sometimes being around Arthur was difficult to take, he hated hiding the way he felt but there was nothing he could do, that was just the way it had to be.

Arthur had found himself taking long walks of late. The weather was pleasant for a lot of the time and the lake was beautiful, it was peaceful and allowed him to spend some time alone with his thoughts. He had been thinking a lot more about Merlin since the pancake incident, he had taken to having more showers like that, it helped his frustration but at the same time left him wanting more. He still hadn't got his head around the fact that he was having these kinds of thoughts about a man. He had had thoughts like that about men before, but they were few and far between, he had always thought about women as well. There was just something about Merlin that was different, the other men he had never been so … involved. He thought of their bodies, their arms, their chests, their cocks … but with Merlin it was his eyes, his face, the sound of his voice calling his name. It was the scars, the story that they told of the Merlin that he knew nothing about. It bothered him that there was this whole other life that Merlin had lead that Arthur had been no part of, there would have been friends, lovers, maybe even families and how could he even begin to live up to  _that._ It didn't help that with the warmer weather Merlin had taken to leaving his shirt off more often, it drove Arthur mad. There were more scars than Arthur had noticed before, his back was a mess of silvery lines, tearing from his shoulder blades to the base of his spine. It made is so much more difficult to convince himself that he didn't want Merlin, that he was just latching on to him because he was there. On more than one occasion Merlin had caught him staring.

"Err … Merlin."

Merlin was sat at the table, laptop open and sheets sprawled around him. He chewed his pen thoughtfully, "Mmhmm?"

"Those scars, do they mean anything?" Merlin looked up and raised a brow, "I … I mean … where did you get them?"

Merlin put his pen down, "They are just from scraps I've been in over the years."

It was Arthur's turn to raise an eyebrow, "Forgive me Merlin but you aren't exactly the type to get into fights in taverns?"

The warlock laughed, "And they haven't been called 'taverns' for a good hundred years Arthur! Your point?"

Arthur's face coloured at that, sometimes he forgot where he was. He coughed, "I mean, where did you  _actually_ get them?"

Merlin turned back to the laptop, the pale light casting shadows over his face, he suddenly looked older, tired, "There are too many stories, they aren't interesting, they just outline the cruelty of men."

Arthur's brow furrowed in concern, he got up from the sofa and walked over, Merlin had probably lived a cruel life, sometimes he forgot that as well.

"You can tell me you know, of all people I am least likely to judge." He placed a hand against his back, fingers brushing the pale mess of scars.

Merlin flinched at his touch and stood up abruptly. He turned to Arthur, his eyes dark and stormy, "Don't touch me!"

Arthur drew his hand back like he had been burnt, "Merlin …"

"No, Arthur!" Merlin grabbed a t-shirt from the washing pile and threw it on, "I don't want to talk about them, just don't." He flashed Arthur a warning glance.

Arthur growled slightly, low in his throat, he didn't want to press him but he hated the idea that anyone had hurt Merlin badly enough for him to be like this.

"Whatever they did to you, for  _whatever_ reason, it  _can't_ have been justified, look at your back!"

Merlin flinched again and turned on Arthur, "You don't know  _anything_  Arthur! You know  **nothing**  of my life! You have no _idea_ what I've had to go through!" Arthur could see the pain and anger in his eyes. He turned to grab his coat from the hook on the wall, Arthur realised he was going to leave.

"Merlin, you don't have to be ashamed!" he got a derisive snort in reply, "Don't even think about leaving, I need to talk to you, I want to know!" Merlin glanced back at him, unhooking his coat from the hook.

"No you don't." Arthur growled, stalking over to him.

He slammed his hand on the wall next to Merlin's head, breathing heavily he leaned in, he could feel his pulse racing, what was he doing? All the anger fell away from Merlin's face, replaced with shock and concern. He bared his soul to Merlin, he slept with him to soothe his nightmares but when  _he_ was hurting he wouldn't even talk about it. He wanted to do something about it.

The anger subsided a little as he realised how close they were, he could feel the heat from Merlin's skin, his breath on his face. He felt a stirring sensation in the pit of his stomach.

God what he would do if he could have his way, there wouldn't be an inch of Merlin that his hands wouldn't know, he would use his tongue to trace every scar until Merlin wasn't ashamed of them anymore. He wanted to run his tongue up his neck, he wanted to know the taste of his skin. He wanted to rip the clothes from his back and take him, touch him, defile him…

"Arthur."

Just the sound of his name was enough to send the blood south, he felt his cock straining against his jeans. He could just imagine the feel of his skin, the sound of him calling his name desperately, begging him for more…

"Arthur."

He breathed in deeply, Merlin smelt like nothing Arthur had ever experienced before, it was slightly musky and fruity from the shampoo but also fresh, green and bright, it was familiar, Morgana had smelt similar but it was nowhere near as intoxicating, he hadn't thought about it before but that must be the smell of magic. He leaned down and pressed his lips lightly on his collarbone.

" _Arthur!_ "

For the first time he looked Merlin straight in the eye, his blue eyes, wide and confused met Arthur's own grey, lust blown eyes and he stopped. Merlin was scared, what was he doing? This wasn't right, why was he being so stupid?

Arthur pulled away and stepped back, how could he have been so stupid. Shaking his head he turned towards the door, "I need some air."

~~~~~

Merlin leant against the wall and slid down to the floor. He had been concerned, he cared about what had happened all those years ago. Not only that but there had been more than anger in his eyes, there had been lust. How many times had he imagined Arthur's lips brushing his skin like that, and what had he done? Pushed him away, just like he always did. So desperate to keep his secrets that he would ignore the signs that maybe, just maybe, Arthur felt the same way. Sometimes he would catch him staring at him, he murmured his name in his sleep, sometimes when they were alone their fingers would brush and instead of flinching away Arthur would just hook his pinky finger around his own, just the barest contact, sending shivers down his spine. But then he would try to entwine the rest of their fingers, hold his hand and Arthur would move away. Merlin would meet those lingering gazes and he would look away, maybe he did have feelings for him but he just didn't know and it was tearing him apart. He had been alone for so long. The scars, they just reminded him how alone he had to be. The years of beatings and lashing he had got for being a sorcerer but also for being homosexual. He touched his back furtively, he had been tied to a wooden stump for hours, the blood dripping down his back. 40 lashes. It was supposed to kill him, for a while he had thought he was dead. Then he remembered that he couldn't die. He had found that out the hard way. The first few hundred years had been the worst, he had made friends, then watched them grow old and die. He had seen the plague decimate villages, taking every man, woman and child. He had seen wars, so many young men dead for the glory of a valiant death. Despite his vast power he had never been able to stop death. He had been so alone, he had watched so many people die, he had wanted to welcome death himself. He had slit his wrists, hung himself, swallowed berries and mushrooms and he always felt himself slipping away only to wake up once again to the cold and the isolation. After the realisation that he was being kept alive for some reason he had resigned himself to a life of solitude, looking forward to that day when Arthur would return and he wouldn't have to be alone any more. He shook his head,  _yeah right Merlin, don't be so stupid, you've spent so long fantasising, romanticising, you've lost it. He is never going to like you in that way._


	8. Hollow Smiles and Heavy Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin snaps and things fall apart.

They didn’t talk for a couple of days, Arthur had come close to apologising on a number of occasions but it had always ended in an awkward exchange of glances and a few nervous coughs. Merlin had been going to the coffee shop alone, Arthur hadn’t dared spend another day watching Merlin smile and chatter away to customers like nothing had happened. The unabashed flirting was too much for him, it made his blood boil, he knew it was jealousy but he had never been good at letting things like that slide. He had been avoiding Merlin in the house as well, he couldn’t sleep next to him any more so Merlin had started sleeping on the sofa again. Rhiannon had dropped by for a cup of tea but hadn’t stayed long. Merlin had flashed her a hollow smile when she came in but the atmosphere was dark and brooding and it had set her on edge a little. When Arthur had come into the kitchen she raised a brow and the distinct lack of eye contact and the uncomfortable silence was enough to make her leave, whatever _this_ was, she was sure it was something that she didn’t need to be involved in.  
  
It all came to a head about a week later, Merlin hated the silence, he hated not knowing what was going on in Arthur’s head, he hated that Arthur had let it go on this long, he had tried being patient, he hadn’t pushed it but it hurt so badly to be around him like this. He had to know. He needed to know where they stood.  
  
“Arthur…” his eyes shone gold as he sat beside him, the tv flicked off.  
  
Arthur looked up, his eyebrows knit together at Merlin’s solemn expression, “Merlin I …”  
  
“No Arthur, before you say anything else I need to know, I need you to tell me what you’re feeling.”  
  
Arthur swallowed thickly, he had been dreading this. He could barely work it out in his own head let alone explain how he was feeling to Merlin. The warlock reached out his hand to take his, Arthur flinched away, this was too much, too fast, what was this?  
  
“Merlin, I can’t, this is too much, I don’t even think I …”  
  
Grey eyes met blue, there was hurt there, Merlin looked old, as old as he really was, just for a moment, then it was replaced with a gold flash of anguish.  
  
“I’m sorry,”   
  
Arthur stammered, “Wh…what?”  
  
“I can’t do this anymore!”  
  
Merlin felt the tears pricking the corners of his eyes, but he had given up caring, this had gone on for too long. It all came spilling out and he couldn’t stop.  
  
 “I can’t do _this_! What is this, Arthur? What are we? Because sometimes I feel like you feel how I feel but other times it’s like you are disgusted by me!” he brushed a stray tear from his cheek with the heel of his hand, only for it to be replaced by another, then another, “Sometimes you look at me the way you did when you first found out about my magic, terrified and betrayed and I don’t understand! I waited for you forever, Arthur, I waited so long. I mourned you and grieved and cried until there was nothing left but I still waited because I _love_ you Arthur! There! I said it! I love you, I always have.” He choked back a desperate sob, “Ever since that stupid fight in the courtyard, and I had to watch you fall in love with someone else and it tore me apart! I didn’t know what it was at the time, I was happy to see you happy but God it hurt. It hurt. So. Fucking. Much!”   
  
Arthur flinched, this wasn’t how this was supposed to happen, this was all wrong.  
  
“It was only when I lost you that I realised it, Arthur, and the pain was so unbearable I didn’t move for days and when I finally did I ran. I ran halfway across the world to get away from it, and still it wasn’t enough! I wanted to _die_ Arthur, and I tried, God Arthur I tried to die but they wouldn’t let me! I don’t know why or how but any time I tried to hurt myself, break myself I always woke up and I was fixed again. Other people could hurt me, _these_ are from all the times people tried to hurt me, a few of them are from when I asked them to hurt me but still I wouldn’t die! After a while it didn’t hurt so much so I came back, tried to live a normal life. Then _you_ turn up and turn my whole world upside down again, and just when I think my heart might be able to take it again you … you … ask me to sleep next to you, you fall asleep in my arms, you practically kiss me on several occasions but when I try to hold your _hand_ you freak out! You tell me you can’t? What am I to you? A convenience and a roof over your head? Is that it?”  
  
“Merlin, that’s not …” The bulb in the bathroom behind him burst.  
  
“No!” He was shaking now, tears streaked down his face, “No. I’ve done my waiting, I’m leaving now. I don’t know where I’m going, or who I’ll be with, but I’ll probably be with someone,” Merlin practically snarled, “A man probably, because I like men, Arthur, you ignorant bastard!”  
  
They stood there for a few moments. Arthur was pale, he had so many things he wanted to say, he just couldn’t. He looked at the man standing in front of him, his face was dark, shoulders shaking and eyes a darker blue than he had ever seen before. There was something terrifying about him, Arthur could practically feel the power radiating from him, sometimes he forgot what Merlin really was.  
  
Just like that the room was lighter again, Merlin’s shoulders sagged. He picked his coat up from the back of the chair and left. He closed the door softly behind him, the click echoing around the empty house.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Rhiannon had opened the door to find him standing outside barely keeping it together.  
  
“I’ve fucked up Rhi, I’ve done it again.” He felt the tears come flowing back, hot and bitter.  
  
They sat on the sofa, Emrys told her what had happened, the nightmares, the almost kisses and half glances, the fight. His voice cracked when he told her that he loved him. He lay his head in her lap and she stroked his hair as he cried himself to sleep. When she was sure he was asleep she called Anna. She recounted the whole affair to her, when she was finished Anna was silent for a while.  
  
“Come over tomorrow, I think I know what to do.”  
  
She sat quietly for a while after hanging up on Anna, just watching Emrys, sleep had erased the worry and pain from his face, he looked so much younger lying there. She only hoped the sleep would help, he had been physically and emotionally exhausted, by the time they had finished talking he could barely keep his eyes open. She wondered how long it had been since he had had a decent night’s sleep.  
  
Rhiannon wasn’t quite sure how to react to the whole thing. She had met Emrys when she was seventeen, she had started going to Anna’s after college and was there the day he started work. He had been tall, dark and brooding, just what every seventeen year old wants in a man. What had really taken her breath away though were his eyes, they were an unnatural blue, haunting and older than his years, just one look and she had fallen head over heels. Of course she wasn’t the only one, just about every girl in the village had taken a shine to him. He wasn’t conventionally good looking but he was mysterious, he had a boyish charm but he was intelligent and those eyes spoke volumes.   
  
One day she had been sat doing English coursework and he had commented on Wuthering Heights which she had open beside her. They had got to chatting and they clicked really well, when he talked about books his face lit up, he almost seemed happy. That was until she had reached over and touched his hand. That was when she had discovered she wasn’t exactly his type. At first it had been terribly embarrassing but after a while they got talking again and she realised that they still got on and they had been friends ever since. He had sometimes spoken of this mysterious, nameless man that he held a torch for, when he had seen Arthur in the square and suddenly his monochrome world had exploded into colour and emotion she knew, this was him, that man he had set up on that pedestal years ago.  
  
Now she could see that that pedestal may have been a little too high, Emrys had fallen trying to get to him and was even more broken than he had been before. Her friends had always thought of her as a confidante, easy to talk to and eager to listen. She always had something to say, some way of helping, a quick fix or a pick me up. But she had never seen Emrys cry, he had never told her anything about his past, his family, nothing, but now he was baring his soul to her. Something had gone very wrong and she wasn’t sure if she could fix it this time.


	9. Soaps Can't Mend A Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin tries dating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your lovely comments! You are all wonderful!

Arthur had tried to sleep, curled himself up with one of Merlin's t-shirts, closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, the smell was enough to calm his nerves and he drifted off, only to be woken up by taunting nightmares again. He had really screwed it up this time. He ran the argument through in his head all night, some of the things hit a little too close to home. He realised that he owed Merlin everything, that the guilt he was feeling was for all of those years, all the things he owed him, but what scared him was how sick he felt at the thought of Merlin with another man. Someone else in his bed, in his shower, at his table,  _touching_ him, kissing him… Ok so maybe there was more to this than gratitude.

He screamed into the pillow in frustration and threw the t-shirt at the wall.

~~~~~

Merlin had cried himself to sleep on Rhiannon's sofa, he woke up, eyes stinging and mouth dry and for a few moments he forgot why he was there. Then it all came crashing back, and the weight of it felt like it was crushing his chest. He had hated himself for making Arthur feel guilty and he hadn't meant it when he said that he would be with anyone else, but he _had_ had enough of waiting, enough of the heartbreak.

He sighed shakily and sat up, he flicked on the kettle and popped a teabag into a clean mug. The kettle was bubbling away when Rhi walked in.

"Hey 'Rys, fancy making me a cuppa as well?" he nodded and smiled weakly, popping another teabag into the mug next to his, "How're you feeling?"

He laughed sadly, "How do you think?"

He looked at her, brown eyes ringed as dark as his own and filled with concern, she pursed her lips and scooped a couple of spoons of sugar into the left mug, "Anna said you could have today off but she wants you in tomorrow."

Merlin smiled, that was Anna being supportive, she wanted to keep an eye on him.

"That's generous of her."

"You know we worry about you, especially now."

He poured the boiled water into the mugs and stirred his absentmindedly.

"I know that he must seem like the whole world to you right now but there are plenty of other lads who are dying to date you! You shouldn't wallow over some guy who doesn't even know he doesn't deserve you!" She placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "Why don't you let me set you up with someone?" Merlin frowned and dumped the teabag in the bin, "Not right now! Of course not right now, you're still hurting and that wouldn't be fair on the other guys … but soon, it'll give you something to take your mind off him at least, even if it doesn't go anywhere. You need spoiling and with a face like yours there will be guys falling over each other to wine and dine you."

Merlin took a tentative sip, the liquid was scalding but comforting, at least he could still feel. He looked up at Rhiannon, she smiled warmly and rubbed his shoulder.

"Now come on! If we have a day off I have almost a week of Pobol Y Cwm to catch up on and I  _know_  you say you don't watch it but I know you have a soft spot for  _Rownd a Rownd_!"

Merlin sighed, he hated soaps but watching them with Rhi was always a laugh, and the storylines were so unbelievable it was easy to forget about your own problems when you were swamped with affairs and murders and teenage pregnancy.

They sat down on the sofa and Merlin threw the blanket over them as Rhi flipped on the tv.

~~~~~

The cups of tea had turned to glasses of wine and a few episodes of Pobol Y Cwm had turned into a marathon. Merlin loved spending time with Rhi, she called him Emrys and commented on the attractiveness of male celebrities and Merlin was quite happy to play along. Of course male celebrities didn't particularly interest him, neither did soaps but Emrys was Rhiannon's Gay Best Friend (her own words, not his) and part of being a GBF was fawning over men and getting drunk watching crap tv, and Merlin loved forgetting himself. It had started off as a coping mechanism but had turned into something he loved. Emrys was like a second personality, emphasised parts of his personality shaped to fit contemporary stereotypes, or at least that was how he liked to categorise it in his head. Made it sound professional rather than just plain crazy.

"I'm  _telling_  you, he  _has_  to be gay! There is no way a man with  _those_  cheekbones is still single  _and_ straight!"

Merlin chuckled, he didn't like deceiving Rhiannon and Anna any more than he had like deceiving Arthur but as before, it was necessary. Before he could have been executed, now … now he would either be hounded by the press and dissected or simply classed as insane and locked away.

"I would have said the same about your Arthur, my  _god_ that arse in those jeans … if I wasn't sure he was gay I would have taken him right there!"

Merlin was quiet again, Rhiannon put her hand on his, "You know it's going to be ok, as gorgeous an arse as he has, he isn't the be all and end all of men."

Brown eyes met water blue, "He is to me."

~~~~~

Anna greeted Merlin with a smile and an apron.

"Wallowing never helped to heal anything, we have a lot to do today, delivery arrived just before you got here so I need that unpacking, you know where everything goes. Also there is a little something I'd like you to try …"

Merlin felt his face break into a smile as Anna went on about new flavours and ices and pastries, this was just what he needed.

He spent the rest of the day unloading, unpacking, experimenting, tasting and laughing with Anna, Rhiannon joined them on her lunch break and for a while he was happy, the hurt a dull pain, low in his chest.

Anna and Rhi wouldn't let him off easily though, it was one thing to feel better, moving on was an entirely different matter and one that they were convinced was better started sooner rather than later.

"Emrys, this is James." Rhi walked in the following afternoon with a young man who Merlin had seen a few times before, he had tightly curled dark hair, dark eyes and his customary grey scarf. He smiled sheepishly at Merlin.

"We've met a few times before," Merlin smiled, "Tall, soya cappuccino if I'm not mistaken?"

James beamed, "That's right, nice to know I make an impression." He chewed his lip a little, Merlin swallowed, he was attractive, very attractive.

"Not many people like soya milk in their coffee," he breathed deeply, maybe this wasn't such a bad thing, he  _had_ told Arthur he would be seeing other men, "and you'd think I'd remember one with eyes like yours." He winked playfully, but his chest tightened, he tried to make it look easy even though he knew the girls knew how much it was hurting.

James' blush was charming, so were his smiles and his conversation. He agreed to come back after Merlin's shift for drinks. They took a taxi to Caernarfon and had cocktails, they laughed and talked, James touched his arm, they held hands in the taxi home and they kissed goodnight on the steps outside Rhiannon's. There were no fireworks but it was a pleasant distraction all the same.

~~~~~

Arthur didn't leave the house for two days, and even after he did he couldn't bring himself to go into the village. Sometimes he just wandered, around the lake or up the hills, he could feel Merlin's absence and it made his chest ache. He missed his stupid smile, his warmth next to him in bed, his tuneless singing in the kitchen, he even missed the way he complained about him leaving his clothes and towels on the floor.

By the fifth day he had run out of food and clean clothes, it was only then that he had the guts to go into town. He shoved his hand in the money jar by the door and slipped on his shoes and jacket. He went to the shop first, he couldn't cook much so he settled with eggs, milk, bread, pasta, a few tins of tomatoes and a tin of tuna. He had a little change left over which he shoved into his pockets, it enough for a coffee but he only knew one coffee shop. He swallowed thickly and walked down the road to Anna's.

Arthur felt a wave of nausea pass over him as he entered. Merlin was stood talking to the man in the grey scarf, they were smiling and laughing, the man tucked a stray lock of hair behind Merlin's ear and whispered something that made the warlock blush. Rage started to bubble slowly away in the pit of his stomach as he watched their exchange, the casual touches, the smiles, the blushes, it was all too much. He suddenly felt very possessive, he wanted to wipe that smug look off both of their faces, preferably with a fist. He stalked over and growled Merlin's name.

~~~~~

"Merlin"

There was a clatter as tins rolled across the floor. He turned around to see Arthur striding towards him, bristling, jaw clenched and face dark. It would have been terrifying had it not been such a turn on. Unfortunately James wasn't quite so convinced, when he saw Arthur his face had turned the colour of sour milk, he took a step back and moved away from Merlin.

"Is this how we are playing this?"

Merlin raised a quizzical brow, Arthur pursed his lips, "You think you can just declare your love for me, swan off and now  _this_?!" He gestured towards James.

"Why should you have any say in who I spend my time with?" He took James' hand in his, maintaining eye contact with Arthur at all times, "You forfeited that right, I told you, I'm done waiting." He shot James an apologetic look and nodded his head towards the door.

"Don't you  _dare_ walk out of here!"

Merlin laughed and looked back at Arthur, eyes dark, "I don't take orders from you anymore."

The door chimed as they left, Arthur standing fuming in the middle of the shop, fists clenched tight enough to draw blood.


	10. Finding The Words

Anna had never seen Arthur angry, even that day in the square he had been shouting but he was confused and scared, not angry, not like how he was standing in the middle of her shop. His knuckles were white and he was shaking. The bell on the door chimed as Emrys and James left, it practically echoed in the quiet of the room. People were staring. Arthur took a deep breath, exhaled shakily and started to pick up the tins from the floor. A murmur of conversation started to bubble its way through the café as he shoved the rest of the shopping into the bag and stood up. He looked up at Anna, eyes rimmed red with anguish.  
  
“I’m sorry to have caused you so much trouble.” He looked back down at his shoes and turned to leave the shop.  
  
“Arthur, love.” He paused but didn’t look back, “If you ever need to talk about anything you know I’m here.”  
  
His shoulders sagged and he opened the door.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
~~~~~  
  
Arthur wished he hadn’t done it the moment his fist left the wall, he was fairly sure he had broken something, not including the large fist shaped dent crumbling away next to him. Cursing he leant against the wall and slid to the floor, cradling his bruising hand. He wasn’t seething any more, not like earlier, he was just felt helpless. He hadn’t really known what he wanted to say or how he really felt until he had seen the two men standing together, flirting and laughing like it was the most natural thing in the world. That was when he felt jealously bubble away under his skin and he knew what he wanted. He wanted to tear them apart, take Merlin in his arms, have him for himself and no one else. No one knew him like he knew him, no one ever could. He was the only one who could make him happy and it didn’t matter how uncomfortable he was about how he was feeling he still had these feelings. It was pointless to deny it because no amount of denial was going to make the feelings go away. Arthur knew what he had to do, he was just so scared of doing it. Once he said it there was no going back.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Merlin and James had fought over the exchange in the coffee shop. James wasn’t stupid and he certainly wasn’t blind he had seen the look on his face and he knew there was something more to his “friendship” with Arthur.  
  
“I had feelings for him but they were unrequited, I waited for him and I got sick of waiting! I’m not going there again, he is straight, he had a wife!”  
  
James scoffed, “Had being the operative word there Emrys? You cannot be serious! The way he looked at you, the way he looked at _me_! He was furious, no one gets like that unless it involves family, or in your case someone they love.”  
  
Merlin looked at him and raised an eyebrow, “You have no idea how long I waited for him, I had to watch him fall in love with his wife, get married … just trust me when I say he really can’t be interested.” He swallowed hard and looked down at his shoes intently, it was still painful to admit after all these years, “He just can’t.”  
  
James’ expression softened and he took Merlin’s hands in his, “Emrys, you are so head over heels for him, and yes I like you a lot and call this self-preservation but Christ just look at you, hung up on him like a lovesick teenager when he is quite obviously madly in love with you!”  
  
Merlin frowned, “Obviously?”  
  
“Yes, obviously. He used to watch you working in the shop, his eyes followed you and his face lit up every time you went over. Maybe the fact that he was married before is the whole reason that he hasn’t returned your feelings. When you have been brought up believing one thing only to have that reality shattered can be difficult. Trust me, my coming out was _not_ a pleasant one, I had a girlfriend at the time and I was so confused. My dad was a religious man, as far as he was concerned men loved women and women loved men, there were no grey areas there. He threw me out when I told him.” He scratched the back of his neck self-consciously, “But anyway … the point I was trying to make is that you might have had time to come to terms with your feelings but he probably hasn’t. It can’t be easy for him. You are a considerate, caring person Emrys, you probably would have noticed if you weren’t so wrapped up in your own feelings.”  
  
He smiled warmly and kissed him lightly on the cheek.  
  
“I’ll see you around, maybe.”  
  
With that he walked off leaving Merlin on his own with his thoughts.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Merlin walked for a while before heading home, he hesitated for a while, almost deciding to leave it and to go back to Rhiannon’s. It would have been the easy option, but when had he ever made things easy for himself. It had started to rain before he got halfway back to the house, by the time he got to the front door he was soaked through and regretting not chickening out this time. The lights were on and he could hear the tv blaring, he knocked on the door. The noise from the tv stopped and he heard the chain rattle as Arthur opened the door.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Merlin was stood dripping in the doorway.  
  
“Arthur, can I come in?”  
  
He looked the warlock up and down and sighed stepping out of the way.  
  
Merlin picked up a tea towel, wiped his face dry and tousled his hair. He stopped and looked at Arthur, they were both quiet for a moment before they both spoke at the same time.  
  
“I’m sorry…”  
  
“… I shouldn’t have …”  
  
They both laughed weakly. Arthur felt his heart beat frantically,  
  
“I can’t do this, I’m sorry. I know how you feel about me and I … I’m not sure how I feel about that but …” Merlin’s face fell and he looked down at his feet in resignation, he was doing it again, deflecting his real feelings, he just couldn’t do it.  
  
“I understand.” Merlin’s voice was shaky with emotion, he was trying to fight back the tears, “I’m glad we got that out of the way, at least I know where we stand…” He turned towards the door.  
  
“Merlin, please.” The warlock stopped in his tracks, Arthur’s pulse was racing, why was he such a goddamned coward! He knew what he had to say. “Let me explain.” He _had_ to say it, “Things have been … difficult … for me. No time passed for me, it was just like falling asleep. One moment I was a King, I had a Queen, a kingdom, and a fatal wound in my side, the next I was stark naked by a lake, completely healed and completely alone. Everything has changed for me, it changed for you too but gradually, and as painful as those years must have been it was like sitting in warm water and having it cool, you got used to it and adapted and changed. For me it was like being dunked into a tub full of ice! I had no warning, no idea what was going on. Everything just changed so suddenly and I still haven’t got my head wrapped around the fact that everyone I ever knew _died_ years ago! You were the one thing keeping me sane, that little piece of home, and there were all these feelings …” Merlin’s eyes met his and his breath caught in his throat, “… I … at first it was just relief but then I started to … want … things … and it became harder to convince myself that what I was feeling was just friendship.”  
  
Merlin swallowed, was he really hearing this? He wasn’t dreaming, did Arthur really …  
  
“Back home even a King could be condemned for … _that_ … so I just ignored it but everyone here seems fine with it, like it’s no big deal, there’s no punishment for it. I asked Rhiannon and she told me that most people just think that love is love and I think that’s what this is … love.” He laughed nervously and ran a hand through his sandy hair, “I think I’ve always loved you, maybe not in this way but you had my trust with my everything, in a way that even Guinevere never did. You never fail to make me smile, make the laugh, make me so angry! Merlin you … I never thought about it in that way because I could list all the reasons I loved Gwen but if anyone ever asked me to describe you it was always ‘forgetful’ and ‘clumsy’ and ‘ridiculous’ but I realise now why that was. If you are infatuated you can list thousands of reasons _why_ you love a person, but _love_ , if you truly love someone you love them _despite_ everything! You _are_ stubborn and clumsy and stupid but you are my best friend and I love you like I have never loved anyone else!”  
  
Merlin felt the tears spilling down his cheeks as he cupped Arthur’s face in his hands, “I love you too, you right royal ass!”  
  
Arthur laughed at the memory and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist, “Thank God”


	11. Pancakes and Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dances* so this is the chapter you have all been waiting for! This is pure fluff and sexytimes, I apologise, the fic is rated M as a whole but this chapter is more Explicit (I got a little carried away!)

Arthur pressed his lips tentatively against Merlin’s, who kissed back chastely. Drawing back he looked into Merlin’s eyes and felt a shiver run right through him, he was beautiful, in so many ways, he wasn’t sure quite why it had taken this long for him to realise it. Merlin nuzzled him affectionately and sighed into his collarbone.  
  
“I have wanted to do that for longer than I’d like to admit.”  
  
Arthur smiled and chuckled contently, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot myself.”  
  
Merlin raised a quizzical brow, “You have?”  
  
Running his thumb over Merlin’s cheek Arthur pressed their lips together again softly, “I have.”  
  
Merlin kissed him back, pressing their lips together more fervently, he scraped his teeth over Arthur’s bottom lip playfully. Arthur made a guttural noise in the back of his throat and blushed.  
  
He frowned a little, “Merlin … I…”   
  
His friend looked at him and smiled softly and took his hand in his, “I know, don’t worry, we can take this as slowly as you want.” He ran his thumb over Arthur’s knuckles, “It means the world to me just to know you care.”  
  
The lay on the sofa in each other’s arms for hours just talking, it seemed that the elephant in the room had always been their feelings and now the floodgates were open. Merlin told him all about his years without him, Arthur traced his scars with the tips of his fingers. Each scar had a separate story, each more painful than the last. It tore Arthur up knowing that Merlin was ever in pain that way. When he got to the story about the scars on his back Arthur found his jaw tighten, he ran his hand gingerly over them, Merlin flinched slightly but relaxed into his touch. It was only then that Arthur realised how different it had been, Arthur had had Merlin there, holding his hand, Rhi telling him that it was ok and Merlin already hopelessly in love with him. Merlin had had to go through years of condemnation and physical torture, knowing that the man he loved was dead and the fact that he loved that man would probably get him killed. Arthur shivered and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close, breathing in his familiar smell. It was something he would never get tired of, closing his eyes and just knowing he was close. Merlin felt Arthur’s chest rise and fall slowly as he drifted off to sleep, he smiled, all the pain and all the heartache was worth it just to be able to fall asleep next to him again. He slipped his fingers through Arthur’s and nuzzled into his chest affectionately, slipping happily into unconsciousness.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The dawn light was creeping through the cracks in the curtains by the time Arthur woke up. Merlin’s head was resting on his chest. He smiled contently, he hadn’t felt this relaxed in months. Running his fingers through his lover’s dark hair he felt a painful swell of emotion in his chest and thought about how he could have ever denied loving Merlin, his ridiculous, dependable, perfect Merlin. His warlock shifted against his chest and rubbed his bleary, blue eyes, blinking into the light. Stretching out he looked up at Arthur, his gaze was warm and sleepy and so full of love Arthur found that swell in his chest reaching painful levels again.   
  
“I’ve missed waking up with you, it was always my favourite part of the day.”  
  
Arthur blushed and smiled warmly, “This is the first time I’ve woken up before you, you are so … incredible.”  
  
It was Merlin’s turn to blush this time, he had cherished every morning waking up next to Arthur but he had always made sure to be out of bed by the time he woke up. He had always thought Arthur would find it strange, unnerving to wake up next to a man, he never thought he would react like this but he was so god damned glad he had. He sat up slightly and reached over kissing Arthur gently.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Arthur smiled against his lips, “Good Morning.”  
  
Merlin laughed and rested his forehead against Arthur’s, “Good Morning, my love.”  
  
When his eyes flickered up Arthur had a strange expression on his face, Merlin couldn’t quite tell what it was.   
  
“I … could you call me that again…” He smiled sheepishly.  
  
Merlin kissed him again, “Of course my love.” Arthur grinned and thanked whatever deity was listening that he hadn’t screwed this up because it was the happiest he can ever remember being.  
  
“I fancy pancakes.”  
  
Merlin raised an eyebrow “If you’re not careful I’m going to have to start punching holes in your belts again...” he smiled wryly “… my love.”  
  
~~~~~  
  
The rest of the day was filled with pancakes and lazy kisses. Arthur hadn’t expected to become this accustomed to being in Merlin’s company in this way quite as quickly as he had, but then the more he looked at it the more he realised that this, kisses aside, was how they had been living for months, he had just been blind to how lucky he really was. He had once been a great king, wealthy and surrounded by friends and food and wine, but the “friends” were no more than panderers and sycophants and the money had never made him happy. _This_ made him happy. He had had so many different conflicting emotions when it came to Merlin but the one that had always shone through, the most important one was happiness, even before all of this he had been undeniably happy in Merlin’s company. Even before he had noticed the way the light caught his skin, or the way his eyes filled with laughter every time he smiled, he had made him happy.   
  
He watched Merlin move through the kitchen, he loved the way he looked when he didn’t think anyone was looking, his earnest smile, the curve of his lips, he didn’t understand how he could have ever looked at them and _not_ wanted to kiss them. His collar bones were the same, jutting out, pale and angular and just begging to be kissed. In fact there wasn’t much of Merlin that Arthur couldn’t imagine kissing, running his lips over his soft, pale skin.  
  
Arthur felt uncomfortably warm as he felt the blood rushing southwards, he could feel the gentle pulse of arousal thrumming through him. He swallowed thickly and chewed his lip, he wanted Merlin, he wanted to kiss every inch of him, run his hands over his contours, he wanted to know all the intimate places that gave him pleasure and he wanted to exploit each and every one of them. He could feel his hardening cock pressing against the fastening of his jeans, he wanted it so badly but he was scared. He had never done anything with a man before and he wasn’t entirely sure how it all worked.   
  
He walked over to Merlin, slipping his hands around his slender waist. He kissed his neck and pulled him tight against him. Merlin shivered and twisted around, his eyes met Arthur’s, dark and lust blown, he inhaled sharply.  
  
“I want you,” Arthur’s voice was a low growl in the back of his throat and it took Merlin’s breath away. He kissed up Arthur’s neck and ran his teeth over his earlobe. Arthur hissed through his teeth, “Oh God Merlin I want you so badly, I …” he faltered slightly, “…I’m just not quite sure…how…” Merlin pressed his lips against Arthur’s and looked up at him.  
  
“Don’t worry, we can do everything at your pace, I’ll guide you through everything.” Merlin ran his hand over his erection making Arthur hiss again.  
  
“Bedroom?”  Arthur practically tripped over his own feet.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Merlin ran his hands under Arthur’s shirt, tracing the muscles as he dragged it up and over his head. Arthur ground his crotch against Merlin in desperate need of some friction. Merlin supressed a groan as felt the crush of their lips again, he pushed his tongue between Arthur’s lips, exploring his mouth eagerly. Arthur fumbled with the clasp on his jeans, desperate to feel Merlin’s skin against his own. Merlin tugged the elastic of his boxers and dragged them down as he knelt on the floor.  
  
“M…Merlin … what…” his sentence was cut short by the embarrassingly questionable sound he made as he felt Merlin’s hot, wet mouth close around his cock.  
  
Oh gods this was so much better than any of his fantasies.  
  
Merlin’s tongue ran over the veins and grooves up and down Arthur’s solid length as he took his full length into his mouth. Arthur could feel Merlin’s throat tighten the deeper he went, he couldn’t help but buck his hips desperately. Merlin built up a slow rhythm, breaking it only to suck gently on Arthur’s throbbing head. Arthur’s reaction was unbelievably hot, every pulse and frantic thrust sent more blood rushing to Merlin’s own aching hard on. There was only so much more of this he was going to be able to stand.  
  
“Merlin …” Arthur practically mewled as he felt the warm wetness receding, his hand shot down and fisted at his eager cock. Merlin chuckled as he lay down on the bed, his eyes lapping up the sight of Arthur pleasuring himself, he was ashamed to admit how many times he had imagined it over the years. He reached under the bed and took a tube of lube out of a shoebox before sliding it back under the bed. Arthur felt his cock twitch feverishly as Merlin slicked up a finger and slid it inside his hole.   
  
Lusty blue eyes met hungry grey, “Do you want this?”  
  
Arthur swallowed, god, yes he wanted it. A reply rumbled in the back of his throat as he crawled over the bed. Merlin squeezed some lubricant onto Arthur’s fingers and guided his hands into place.  
  
“I want you to open me up, get a feel for me, just _imagine_ how that’s going to feel.”  
  
Arthur slipped one finger inside and shuddered at the thought of the tight ring of muscle around his cock. By the third finger Merlin was pushing down against his fingers and Arthur could feel his erection leaking, throbbing and desperate.  
  
“I want to see your face, can you stay like that, I need to see you.”  
  
Merlin couldn’t quite form the words in his mouth so he just nodded. Arthur picked up the lube, “Do I …” he gestured towards his anxious cock, Merlin nodded again, running his hands up and down his own shaft.  
  
As Arthur slid in Merlin clenched slightly before relaxing into it, Arthur almost came just from that feeling. It was so tight and so hot. He started thrusting slowly in out, but as he hit Merlin’s prostate his lover bucked and the sensation sent thrums of pleasure coursing through him. He couldn’t hold back any more and soon Merlin was moaning as he came, shuddering, suddenly very glad they didn’t have any neighbours. Arthur’s thrusts became fast and erratic as his own orgasm washed over him, Merlin’s name on his lips and in his heart.  
  
They lay together for a while, slick with sweat and come and glowing, contented.   
  
“I love you.”  
  
Merlin laughed low in his chest and kissed Arthur’s forehead, “You’re only saying that because I let you fuck me.”  
  
Arthur chuckled, kissing Merlin’s swollen lips, “Maybe, but I’ll keep saying it, I should have said it a long time ago and I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”


	12. Pasta Can Also Be Difficult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur wants to be romantic and Anna reminisces about when she first met Emrys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, I'm so, so, so sorry this took so long! Blame it on Supernatural, it's just gone on hiatus again and I was so into it and it got bad but yeah ... back to the Merthur because I'm still not even a little bit over it! 
> 
> This isn't even a great chapter but I've had the worst block ever and I really wanted to write this, there will be more angst next chapter I promise! But here it is, for those of you still mildly interested.

They had entered the coffee shop sheepishly, Merlin had his hand firmly in Arthur’s. The bell on the door tinkled lightly and Anna looked up from her customer.  
  
“Finally” she muttered, rolling her eyes.  
  
Merlin kissed Arthur lightly on the cheek and went in the back to get his apron.  
  
“Well that took you long enough,” Anna finished handing her customer his change and turned to Arthur, “Now you’d better treat him right, he is special that one.”  
  
Arthur felt the colour rise in his cheeks, “I know.”  
  
She smiled wryly and shook her head, “You boys…”  
  
Arthur swallowed and looked at his feet, had they really been _that_ obvious? Had everyone figured it out before he had?   
  
“Anna, I know this may be a little odd, but can I ask you a favour?”  
  
The older woman raised a brow, like she hadn’t already done these boys a favour or two, “Go on.”  
  
Arthur shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably, “I know that Mer…  I mean Emrys and James were seeing each other … romantically … but now he and I are seeing each other … but I don’t exactly have much … experience …I was wondering if you knew what they did, where they went…what I can do to show him he made the right choice.”  
  
Anna’s expression softened “Sweetheart, I don’t even think it was a choice, it was always you. I knew from the moment he first brought you in here how he felt about you, and for that matter how you felt about him.” She smiled thoughtfully, “If you want to do something romantic, just the two of you, I suppose I could let you use the café for an evening, get some candles … can you cook?”  
  
Arthur wrinkled his nose and frowned, “Not really, he tried to teach me but I can only just make an omelette.”  
  
Laughing, Anna took Arthur’s hand in hers, “How about you stay after the shop closes tonight and I teach you how to make something special, I want you treating my Emrys right, and if that means teaching you to cook myself then so be it!”  
  
“Thank you” Arthur said, sincerity warm in his eyes, “Really, Anna, I just want to make him happy.”  
  
 She smiled and glanced over at Merlin who had appeared from out back and was tying the apron strings around his waist.  
  
“You don’t need a fancy meal to do that, but I’m quite sure it will help.”  
  
~~~~~  
  
The door clicked as Merlin closed it behind the last customer of  the evening. Anna was busying herself behind the counter, “Don’t worry about clearing up tonight love, Arthur has said he’ll do the cleaning, he and I need a chat.”  
  
Merlin raised a brow, “Be gentle with him, Anna, I don’t want you scaring him off.”  
  
The older woman swatted at him with a tea towel, “I just want to make sure Emrys, I don’t want you to get hurt again.”  
  
Merlin smiled sadly, he thought back to the day when Anna became more than an employer. She was a friend, a rock and a surrogate mother in so many ways. There were days when Merlin just broke. He wouldn’t get out of bed because the idea of facing another day in this life just got too much, his heart would flutter and breathing became difficult, sometimes he just had to sit there for anywhere from five minutes to an hour, his heart racing, trying to still the tremor in his hands. The days when the thought of more of this isolated life, disconnected and dysfunctional, made him physically ill. He often woke up covered with a slick, cold film of sweat, and unable to even get to the bathroom he would vomit and cry until there was no feeling left. It was one of these mornings that Anna had dropped by.   
  
Anna would never forget that day, Emrys never locked his door, which she thought was far too trusting but he obviously had his reasons. She would drop by every now and then to check up on him, she had a maternal streak that had never been satisfied with children of her own, so she took the lost children under her wing, the ones who pushed everyone away but were screaming out for someone to help.  Emrys had turned up to his interview dressed casually, but his manner was professional, cool and collected. He had made one of the best Macchiato Anna had ever tasted, he said it was because he had trained as a barista in Italy, little did she know that it had been in Venice in 1683.   
  
Anna had never seen anyone as young as Emrys as skilled as he was, but this skill had obviously come at a price. He was all smiles and flirtation when it came to customers, each drink was made with care and attention and Anna soon found her business was booming, people were coming back for Emrys and his coffee, particularly her female clientele.  However as soon as they turned their backs, as soon as the door closed, the smile faded and the stony resignation returned to his face. His happiness was always hollow, the smiles never quite reaching his eyes.   
  
That day she had opened the front door to hear choked sobbed and the sound of retching from the bedroom. She had pushed the bedroom door open just a crack and what she saw chilled her to the bone, it still haunted her every time she saw his smile faltered, she dreaded the day she would have to see him like that again. Not quite knowing how to respond at first, she just stood there. Then he called to her. His voice was small and quiet, his bright eyes wide and rimmed with red. He wasn’t the composed, confident barista any more, he was a terrified child, lost and so alone.   
  
So Anna sat with him, and held him until he couldn’t cry any more, then he told her his story. He told her that his parents had died and he had been in love with his best friend. He had to watch him get married, be happy with a woman who had once been his best friend, then she had died too. He had run, travelled the world trying to escape, never connecting with anyone, never _loving_ anything. He had lived in limbo for years, wandering aimlessly through life. He had become someone he didn’t recognise and it terrified him, so he came back, tried to reconcile, to become a better person again, but all it had done was bring back the memories, and now he was here he couldn’t leave.  
  
“He won’t hurt me again Anna, he makes me whole, he is the part of me that’s been missing.”  
  
She nodded acceptingly and turned back to cleaning the machine. He couldn’t leave before, but now Arthur was here, he didn’t want to.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Arthur arrived at half five and Anna ushered Merlin out of the door.  
  
“When will you be home tonight?” Merlin said as he sneaked a quick kiss before he was pushed outside. Arthur shrugged.  
  
“He’ll text you, love. Now go home, he’s safe with me.” Anna said from behind Arthur’s shoulder.  
  
The warlock shot Arthur an apologetic look but his lover smiled warmly back mouthing “I’ll be ok” _almost_ convincingly.  
  
Anna took Arthur’s hand and led him into the kitchen. There were already pans out and a pile of washing up in the sink. He raised a brow.  
  
“You’ll be doing all the cleaning as well, call it payment for my help.” She said with a sly wink, “Right, get this on then, you’ll need it!” she threw a balled up apron at him, “You’re making pasta.”  
  
Arthur felt a wave of relief wash over him, he had made pasta before, he just had to pour it into boiling water and wait for it to cook. He could do that.  
  
All relief dissipated when she passed him the flour and eggs. The older woman smirked at the look of despair on the young man’s face, “When I said making pasta, I _did_ mean from scratch. You can’t just serve dried pasta to Emrys! He lived in Italy so he knows the real deal, you’ve got a lot to live up to.”  
  
Arthur swallowed thickly, this was his worst nightmare.  
  
Anna placed a bowl in front of him, “Weigh that flour out and put it in there. You’ll need one egg for each hundred grams, so bear in mind we only have six!”  
  
He grabbed the scales and placed the bowl down. He stared at the numbers for a moment. The bowl weighed nearly two hundred grams. Anna leaned over and zeroed the scales, tutting.  
  
“He told me you grew up a spoiled, rich boy, but I would have thought you’d know how to use _scales_!”  
  
Arthur scowled and emptied the flour into the bowl, spluttering as it exploded into a cloud of white.  
  
Anna laughed, “Don’t take your frustration out on the flour, save it for the kneading!”  
  
Following Anna’s instructions he made a well in the centre of the flour, beat the eggs and added them bit by bit into the centre of the flour. He mixed it all up and plopped it out onto the counter.  
  
“Now, don’t be gentle with it, the more you knead it, the better!”  
  
He had seen Merlin make bread before, he had seen him roll up his sleeves and work the dough, but doing it himself was something entirely different. He hadn’t been going for long before his arms started to ache. He tried hitting it, stretching it, dropping it onto the counter from a height, anything to get it to soften, but it still felt rough and floury.   
  
He gave Anna an exasperated look and she laughed good-naturedly, “Give it some wellie!”   
  
By the time the dough was glossy and smooth Arthur’s arms were on fire. Anna took the dough and put it in the fridge, passing him the vegetables and a knife, “Diced, Arthur, you’ll want them diced.”  
  
So Arthur, the King of Camelot, saviour and great leader of Albion … started dicing an onion. He felt his eyes stinging, tears forcing their way down his cheeks. The knife slipped clumsily and he cried out. He wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand to see blood welling from a clean cut on his left forefinger. He stuck it into his mouth, tasting the metallic tang of blood. Anna tutted again and disappeared through the door to the shop, returning with a small green box. She cracked it open and pulled out a large blue plaster.  
  
“I really don’t think cooking is for me.” He said, wincing as he washed the cut, wrapping the plaster around his throbbing finger, “He knows I can’t cook!”  
  
“All the more reason to prove him wrong.” She replied stubbornly.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Merlin could see a light coming from the shop, it was softer than the usual tungsten glare but the curtains were drawn and he couldn’t see. He cupped a hand to the window in a vain attempt to see through the fabric. He checked his phone, the text had said eight, it was quarter to. He rapped gently on the window, hearing a muffled curse from inside. Arthur opened the door. He was wearing a smart shirt with an ill-fitting apron, his hair was sticking up and, like the rest of him, had a light dusting of flour.  
  
The warlock hastily stifled a laugh. Arthur frowned, “You’re early, you’re never early.”  
  
Merlin grinned, “I was impatient, you’re obviously up to something and I wanted to know what.”  
  
His lover’s eyes widened and for a moment he looked a little panicked, he motioned for Merlin to stay put and closed the door. The warlock raised a brow as he heard muffled voices from inside. Arthur reappeared and stepped outside, closing the door carefully behind him.  
  
“I want you to cover your eyes.”  
  
Merlin laughed indignantly but raised a hand to shield his eyes, smiling wryly.  
  
The bell on the door tinkled as Arthur gripped his lover’s arm and led him through the shop.   
  
“Ok, just stand there,” Arthur said, leaving Merlin’s side for a moment. Then from a small distance in front of him, he told the warlock to open his eyes.  
  
Merlin removed the hand from in front of his face. His brow furrowed in disbelief, “Arthur … what is this?”  
  
The shop was littered with candles, giving the whole room a warm glow. In front of him was a table set for two. The table cloth Anna’s customary check, but the crockery was not the shop’s, neither was the cutlery. There was a candle wedged into a wine bottle for a centrepiece, the wax dripping down the sides almost artistically. Arthur was stood next to it smiling sheepishly, his face was flushed endearingly and Merlin felt warm affection swell in his chest.   
  
Arthur rubbed the nape of his neck nervously, “I’ve been an ass, a right royal one at that, and I just wanted to do something to let you know … you know … that I’m sorry and that I really do care for you … a lot.”  
  
Merlin grinned, “Arthur, you big softy, I never knew you were the sentimental type.”   
  
Arthur smirked and crossed his arms in faux discontent, “Ok, don’t push it.”  
  
“And you cooked?” Merlin said, running an absentminded finger over the silverware.  
  
“I had a little help.” He nodded towards the kitchen.  
  
Merlin chuckled, he had a feeling Anna might have been involved.  
  
Arthur rushed back into the kitchen, returning with two plates of steaming pasta. Merlin raised a brow, “Did you really do all of this?”  
  
Arthur grinned proudly, “I made the pasta from scratch.”  
  
They sat there for a while silently in each other’s company. Arthur ran a distracted thumb over the knuckles on his lover’s hand, relishing the touch. His gaze was easy and warm and his features were soft in the gentle candlelight. Arthur felt a swell in his chest as their eyes met, thinking back to the years they had spent together just as friends. Had they ever just been friends? The private smiles, the laughter, every joke about his stupidity or his own expanding waistline, that feeling of sick worry whenever Merlin had been missing or in trouble … something in the pit of his stomach told him there had always been something there, low in his heart and at the back of his mind, a dull constant that had taken him so long to acknowledge. He traced the curve of Merlin’s jaw with his eyes, glancing over his lips and up to meet those striking blue eyes again. Gods he was beautiful.  
  
“Something on your mind?”   
  
His voice had a soft fondness to it, and Arthur felt it tugging at the corners of his mouth.  
  
“I love you.”  
  
He could see the colour rise on Merlin’s cheeks, it made Arthur unreasonably happy to see that even after a thousand years those three words could make him blush like a maid. 


	13. The Past Always Catches Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur gets a job and a face from Merlin's past turns up quite uninvited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Explicit. Not that you guys will complain I'm sure ...

Arthur woke groggily, the sunlight glaring to his unadjusted eyes. He blinked a few times and screwed up his face, rolling away from the garish morning. He opened his eyes to see Merlin lying beside him. It was a sight that he would never get tired of, the way he looked so peaceful, all worry and age smoothed from his face, his skin pale and soft. Arthur ran the back of his hand gently down his arm, stirring him slightly. Feeling a gentle smile tug at the corners of his mouth, Arthur leant over and kissed his lover’s bare shoulder. As Merlin woke he slipped a hand around his slender waist and pulled him close. The warlock made a small noncommittal noise as Arthur kissed his shoulder again, running kisses up to his neck.  
  
“It’s not like you to be awake before me.” He murmured, a sleepy smile adorning his face.  
  
Arthur chuckled, planting another kiss on the nape of his neck, “I couldn’t help watching you sleep, you’re always so peaceful, so content.”  
  
Merlin rolled over to face him, “I _am_ content. Last night was so … it was perfect Arthur, thank you.”  
  
Arthur felt the colour rise in his cheeks and pride swell in his chest. The evening had gone better than Arthur could have imagined, even after all of the failed attempts at making pasta. Merlin had enjoyed the food but it was the time they spent together, just the two of them, not as friends but as a couple, that really made the night something else. The candle had melted down to a stub while they were talking and all the while they had barely broken contact with each other. The whole night was filled with gentle touches and fond looks.  
  
“Arthur” Merlin said, breaking his train of thought. He hummed in reply, “Pancakes?”  
  
He grinned and kissed him, “I knew there was a reason I loved you.”  
  
Merlin rolled his eyes and swung his leg round and off the bed and sauntered nakedly into the kitchen. Arthur’s eyes followed him, feeling the hot arousal coiling low in his stomach.  
  
“What do you want with these?” he called from the kitchen.  
  
Merlin was beating the mixture when Arthur slotted himself close behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist.  
  
“You.” He growled.  
  
The warlock chuckled, “Maybe after breakfast.” He replied suggestively.  
  
“Or maybe now.” Arthur said, pressing his arousal firmly against the small of his lover’s back.  
  
Merlin put the bowl down and turned around, raising a brow, “It doesn’t look like there’s much _maybe_ in this at all.”  
  
Arthur smiled wryly and ran his hands over the gentle curve of Merlin’s hips. The warlock shivered at the touch, his hardening cock twitching slightly. Arthur pulled him close and kissed down his neck, nipping gently at his collarbones. Merlin carded his hands through Arthur’s sandy hair hissing as he sucked gently on a patch of skin just above his hip. The pale skin blossomed purple as Arthur’s lips moved on, nipping the inside of his lover’s thighs as he spread his legs eagerly. Arthur pumped a hand gently over Merlin’s stiff cock before swallowing it down. He ran his tongue up and down the groove in his shaft as his head bobbed up and down rhythmically. Merlin keened, bucking his hips as Arthur hollowed out his cheeks.  
  
“Arthur … nggh … ah!” Merlin panted, forcing the words out, “I … fuck … Arthur I’m not going … to last I…”  
  
Arthur slid a finger just behind Merlin’s aching balls, rubbing gently. Merlin came with a shout and Arthur drank the bitter, salty liquid greedily, running his tongue over the slit to lap up any remaining drops.  
  
“I want you now.” Arthur said, darkly. Merlin’s knees were shaking as he hoisted him up onto the table.  
  
He slipped one finger into Merlin’s tight hole, his own cock twitching in anticipation at the feeling. He slipped another finger in and started pumping gently in and out. Merlin rolled his hips into it, craving the sensation.  
  
“Arthur, please.” He mewled, “Arthur, I need you inside me, please!”  
  
Arthur was all too willing to comply, sliding his fingers out and running to the bedroom.  
  
“No condoms!” Merlin shouted after him, “Just the lube, I want to feel you.”  
  
Arthur returned, his fingers slick with lube and his cock throbbing gently. He pushed his cool, wet fingers in again, coating the tight ring of muscle until it was glossy, then he pushed the head of his cock in slowly. Arthur almost came as the muscles around him tightened. He breathed in deeply and waited for Merlin to relax, when he did he pushed the rest of himself deep into his lover and sighed with pleasure.  
  
“Move.”  
  
It was more a command than a request and the wanton growl that came with it went straight to Arthur’s cock. He started to pump in and out, building up a rhythm. He nudged Merlin’s prostate just a bit and the warlock cried out, feeling his spent cock twitch again. Arthur put his arm under Merlin’s knee and pulled him closer, thrusting into him. It didn’t take long for Arthur’s balls to tighten as he started to thrust erratically, coming in convulsions of blinding ecstasy.

~~~~~  
  
For a few days things were good. Things were better than good. Every morning was like a dream, and Merlin _had_ dreamt of it, waking up next to Arthur, making him breakfast, stealing kisses at the coffee shop, walking home hand in hand. He had almost finished his book as well, the content was there it just needed proof reading, bulking out and stripping down. Arthur had taken an official job at Anna’s , she paid him minimum wage to clean after closing, Arthur didn’t mind because it gave him an excuse to spend more time with Merlin. Things were just a shade off perfect. That was until Zachary Matthews turned up.  
  
“Well this place hasn’t changed a damned bit.” Came the Kansas drawl from the doorway.  
  
Merlin blanched, glancing fleetingly at Arthur who was sat across the room watching the man at the door. Zach was tall, his hair was blonde, but lighter than Arthur’s, frosted lightly to bring out the honey colour of his eyes. Merlin’s eyes flickered over his grey suit and dark purple shirt, the cut of both emphasised his athletic build. Arthur frowned as he sauntered towards the counter.  
  
“Zach.” Merlin said, his voice low, “It’s been a while.”  
  
Zachary smirked, “You’re looking well, though I _did_ always like you in that apron.” He gave an exaggerated wink and flashed him his toothiest smile, “I’ll have my usual.”  
  
With that he sat down at the table opposite Arthur and unfolded the newspaper from under his arm. Arthur looked back at Merlin who was fumbling with an espresso cup. He knew Merlin to be clumsy at times but he had never seen Merlin fumble with coffee before. Arthur could see Anna tense as she approached Merlin, she whispered something in his ear which he answered with a curt shake of his head. He brought the espresso over to the American and set it down on the table.  
  
“What brings you here Zach, I thought you moved back to America.” Merlin said, his face slightly flushed.  
  
Zach took a sip of the coffee and sighed, “Man I’ve missed your coffee ‘Rys.” He flashed the warlock another dazzling smile, “And yeah, I moved back to Boston for a while actually, stayed with my sister, but things didn’t work out. Turns out I left something quite valuable over here.” His golden eyes smouldered with suggestion and Merlin flushed darker again.  
  
The chair screeched as Arthur stood up abruptly. Zach glanced over and looked the young king up and down.  
  
“Can I help you?”  
  
Merlin coughed, “Zach, this is Arthur.” He glanced at Arthur for a second, a smile flickering on his face, “My boyfriend.  
  
Zach narrowed his gaze, “I see.” He ran a careful eye over Arthur again before his face lightened a little, “Shame, I was hoping for some company.”  
  
Arthur’s frown turned to a glare, “Arthur, this is Zachary, he’s a…” Merlin faltered, “…a friend.”  
  
Zach chuckled, “A friend …yeah.” He smiled wryly at Arthur but his eyes were dark.  
  
Arthur walked past Zach and grabbed Merlin’s arm, “We need a word.” He rasped.  
  
~~~~~  
  
When they got into the kitchen Arthur gave Merlin a pointed look, “What the _hell_ Merlin, who the _fuck_ is that!”  
  
Merlin scratched the back of his neck, “Zach and I were … seeing each other for a while a couple of years ago.”  
  
Arthur raised a brow, but anger was bubbling away under his skin, “You were _seeing_ him.”  
  
The warlock sighed, “Yes Arthur, I was _seeing_ him. I was in a bad place and he was just there. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and things didn’t exactly end well. Can we just drop this?”  
  
“No we can’t just _drop this_ ,” he replied, with a liberal use of air-quotes, “Your ex-lover has just sauntered back into your life!”  
  
Merlin snorted derisively, “Arthur, I’m fourteen _hundred_ years old, you didn’t think I was celibate the whole time did you?”  
  
The words smarted and Arthur couldn’t meet Merlin’s gaze, “Arthur.” He said gently, pushing his chin up with his forefinger, “I have always loved you, no matter how many lovers I had, the important part is that I _had_ lovers, past tense. I have waited those fourteen hundred years for _you_ , so please don’t be jealous. Jealousy poisons.”  
  
He pressed his lips gently against Arthur’s and smiled. Arthur smiled back weakly and sighed, nodding. Unfortunately, jealousy was a vice Arthur was all too familiar with. He swallowed as Merlin walked back out into the shop, this was going to be tough.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Zach visited Anna’s every day after that, had two coffees, read his paper and winked at Merlin as he left. Arthur tried not to let it get to him but the more often he saw that smug face, the more difficult it became to ignore it. It came to a head the day Zach sat down at Arthur’s table.  
  
“Arthur is it?”  
  
Arthur frowned over the rim of his vanilla latte, “What is it to you?”  
  
“Oh, nothing much. Just that you’ve got something that I want.” He replied, sipping his espresso.  
  
“And what would that be?”  
  
Zach smiled into his coffee, “You know _exactly_ what it is, or rather, who.”  
  
Arthur bristled, breathing in slowly he placed the mug down and turned to face the American.  
  
“I was brought up spoilt, and I had to learn that you don’t always get what you want. You should look into that.”  
  
Zach narrowed his gaze, “The difference is, I’ve already _had_ him. You seem to forget that that innocent exterior has a past you know _nothing_ about, but don’t worry, if that bothers you I’d be more than happy to take him off your hands.”  
  
He took a final swig of coffee and left.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Merlin was busy with a dirty chai when Zach next walked in.  
  
“Hey good lookin’, whatcha got cookin’” he chimed spinning playfully on his heel.  
  
“What can I get you, Zach?” said Merlin, a smile tugging at his lips.  
  
“How about something sweet.” He winked and leaned across the counter. Merlin raised a brow and walked around with the chai to the customer. Zach walked over to join him brushing up against him as he turned around. “I gotta say, I’ve missed being around you. You were always fun.”  
  
Merlin felt his breath catch in his throat, Zach smelled like he always did, he wore a musty cologne but his suits still smelled of fresh laundry. The memories came flooding back in a torrent that took Merlin by surprise. He could remember the dirty sex in the alley in Cardiff, the feeling of the brick scratching against his back and legs, the hot feeling of Zach’s hand hitting his skin, the smell of sweat and sex and shame. His gaze was intense and Merlin felt himself colour slightly.  
  
“If anything you’re more beautiful now than you were before.” He said in a hushed voice. Merlin walked back towards the counter but Zach’s arm caught him around the waist, “I’ve missed having my hands on you, if I’m not mistaken you used to quit enjoy that too.”  
  
The bell on the door clinked as Zachary slid his hands into Merlin’s pockets, “Zach …” Merlin started, “Get your hands off me.”  
  
The American slid his hands out, slipping the phone he had acquired discreetly into his jacket pocket, “Sorry, I forgot, you’ve got yourself a bit on the side.” He glanced over to Arthur who was stood in the doorway, “I’m actually not thirsty any more. I’ll see you later Rys.” He smiled smugly as he passed Arthur and winked at Merlin on his way out.  
  
Merlin paled as he saw the thunderous expression on Arthur’s face.  
  
“What’s going on?” He demanded, “I saw what just happened there.”  
  
“Arthur, there is _nothing_ going on! He is flirtatious, he likes to make a spectacle, have some fun. Can’t you see he’s just toying with you?”  
  
Arthur snorted, “He isn’t toying with me, and that _wasn’t_ just _flirting_.”  
  
Merlin looked at him pointedly, “Will you stop being so jealous. I love you, I wouldn’t risk losing you over someone like him.”  
  
Arthur practically pouted, “Can you promise me that there’s nothing going on between you?”  
  
“You don’t trust me?” Merlin said, his brow lowering.  
  
“Of course I trust you, I just don’t trust _him_.”  
  
The warlock’s face relaxed a little, “I promise. Now get out! I’m working and _you_ are distracting.” He gave a playful wink and Arthur smiled, turning around to leave the shop.  
  
As the bell tinkled behind him Arthur felt his phone buzz in his pocket  
  
The text read _Surprise for you later. 8pm. Don’t be late. x_  
  
~~~~~  
  
There was a rap at the door. Merlin sauntered over absentmindedly and clicked the latch open. Standing in the doorway was Zach, he was wearing a well-tailored black suit with a subtly pinstriped grey shirt, open casually at the top.  
  
“Hey Rys, just thought I’d drop by.”  
  
Merlin frowned, “With a bottle of my favourite wine?”  
  
Smirking Zachary walked past Merlin and into the kitchen, “This place hasn’t changed much either.”  
  
Merlin followed him through, watching him carefully, “What are you doing here?”  
  
“Am I not allowed to wine and dine a gorgeous man?” He winked and placed the bottle on the table.  
  
“Zach, what we had, what we did … that was a long time ago. I have a different life now, I have someone else to wine and dine me.”  
  
The American’s face darkened, his lips pursed and brow knit together. He walked up to Merlin and shoved him against the wall, a tanned forearm at his throat, “I _tried_ to get him to leave on his own! I _tried_ to make this clean cut, but you just keep dragging him back in with your apologies and your lies!” he spat.  
  
“I never lied to him, I wouldn’t lie to him!”  
  
Zach laughed and pressed himself against Merlin, slotting a leg between his. Merlin struggled a little but it was a futile attempt, the American was larger and far stronger than he was, it used to be part of the kink, now it left him all but defenceless.  
  
“I want you, Emrys, and when I want something, I get it.” He rasped, “I know things about you that you wouldn’t want your precious Arthur to find out.” The warlock went cold, this wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. “All the dirty little things we did … I bet you didn’t tell him about _those_. Did you tell him about the scars? All of them?”  
  
The glint in his eyes was one that Merlin had seen too many times, it was dark with tinge of evil. This was a man who didn’t bluff.  
  
“What do you want.”  
  
He laughed again and raked his teeth over Merlin’s bottom lip, “You, Cariad.”  
  
“You don’t get to call me that!” he snarled.  
  
“Now, now, no need for that tone.” He growled, his breath hot on Merlin’s neck, “We don’t want you getting all hot and bothered, anyone would think you were getting off on this.”  
  
“Merlin I got your text and I …” the sentence died on Arthur’s lips at the sight of flushed skin and tangled limbs in front of him.  
  
Zach glanced at his watch, “Just on time.”  
  
“Arthur …” Merlin stammered.  
  
“Hey bro, fancy seeing you here, I’m afraid your _friend_ is a little busy right now.” Zach sneered.  
  
Arthur blanched, “I … I see …”  
  
Merlin widened his eyes pleadingly, but Arthur had his turned to the floor. Before Merlin could call out again Arthur had turned on his heel and walked back out of the door.  
  
“ ** _Ic þé wiþdrífe_** _!”_ Merlin cried, flinging Zach against the opposite wall. The American landed with a sickening crunch. The lights in the house flickered and dimmed. He looked up at Merlin, his presence darkening, to Zachary he seemed eight foot tall, his skin pallid and wrinkled, his eyes a dark, liquid gold.  
  
“ ** _You dare threaten me! You dare to threaten Arthur! You think that because we fucked a few years ago and I was a mess that you somehow own me? You have no idea who I am, who you are messing with. I’ll tell him everything, then you will leave and I never want to see your face again!_** ”  
  
With that the warlock’s power simmered down, the lights brightening again and his eyes returning to their magnetic blue.  
  
“Don’t you dare forget what you broke today, I know I won’t.” He said before turning the corner, leaving the terrified man curled up on the floor, cradling his fractured shoulder. This was an incident that despite hours of therapy, Zachary Matthews would never forget.  
  
~~~~~  
  
“Arthur! Arthur, that wasn’t what it looked like!” Merlin shouted, stalking after Arthur in the dying light, “He came over and he told me …”  
  
“Shut up!” Arthur shouted picking up speed, “I don’t want to hear it!”  
  
“Arthur if you’d just listen!”  
  
“No! You _promised_ me that there was nothing going on! _Promised_ me!”  
  
Merlin started to run, desperate to get ahead of Arthur, “There was _nothing_ going on! Please believe me!”  
  
Arthur stopped just short of the streetlamp that was spluttering to life, colouring the scene a dull yellow.  
  
“Then what was it? What did I just walk in on?”  
  
Merlin took a deep breath, this wasn’t the place, he couldn’t, not here, “It’s complicated, can we just talk somewhere else, please!”  
  
Arthur growled and turned around, carrying on into the village, “So _fucking_ complicated was it Merlin?!”  
  
“Yes!”  
  
“I don’t want to hear it!” Arthur shouted.  
  
Anna opened the door to the café and peered out. A few passers-by joined her in gaping at the spectacle, it wasn’t often that there was a public spat and this was one that the village gossips would be talking about for the majority of the foreseeable future.  
  
“No, of course you don’t, because when have you ever listened to _anything_ I say? Even back then you brushed off everything I said! This is so typical!” Merlin spat, “I try to explain and you stand there, _King_ Arthur, high and mighty, judging me without even hearing what I have to say!”  
  
“What you have to say?! Don’t you dare pin this one on me! I just caught you with your ex-lover! I _trusted_ you Merlin! I…”  
  
“Trusted me?” He turned around, tears streaking furious tracks down his cheeks, “No! Fuck you Arthur, fuck you! _Trusted_ me? Ha! Trusted me so much that you were willing to believe that I would _cheat_ on you?! You know _nothing_ about what my life was like then! I could tell you, hell there are parts of it I _have_ told you and you _still_ couldn’t even begin to understand! You know what, Arthur, don’t bother following me. Don’t even think about coming back until you’ve grown up and stopped being such an insecure, insensitive, goddamned _insufferable_ _prat_!” With that he stalked off down the street.  
  
Arthur screamed with frustration, slamming his fist in the wall behind him. He felt the crack of broken bones and the warm stinging of blood but it didn’t hurt, nothing could hurt more than the burning in his chest and the slow realisation that maybe he had screwed up one too many times. Losing the one person who understood, who cared, who would have stayed and dealt with the broken mess that was Arthur Pendragon, all because of some stupid jealous rant. That pain _had_ to be the most unbearable pain, or at least that was what he thought, until he heard the squeal of tires and screeching brakes.


	14. Bitter Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin would have done well as a Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you smart folks who noticed I changed my Pseud on here to match my FF one (for continuity's sake) Sorry if that has caused any confusion!
> 
> I also apologise for this chapter, it is very short and was quite difficult to write. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Arthur felt all emotion drain from him as he saw the body sprawled out on the road. His dark hair was matted with blood and his arm was bent at an unnatural angle. Arthur’s first instinct was to vomit violently, but he didn’t. The second was to scream, but he didn’t. The third was to simply collapse under the weight of what had just happened, tears streaming down his face. A crowd had formed and the driver had got out of the vehicle, white as a sheet and completely hysterical. He couldn’t hear the other people, he knew they were talking at him, shouting and crying but all he could hear was the thud of his own heart as his knees hit the ground.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The day Merlin had realised he was ageing had been like any other day. He had woken up next to Arthur who was snoring softly in the weak morning light. He got up, padded into the kitchen and put the kettle on, had a cup of tea and went to have a shower. He looked in the mirror and was shocked to see a dark layer of stubble adorning his usually smooth face. He ran a hand over the rough surface and leaned into the mirror to inspect it. Sure enough, where he hadn’t grown hair since Arthur died, he had the start of beard. Merlin felt like a teenager hit with puberty all over again. He fumbled for Arthur’s razor and lathered on some shaving cream. Dragging the blades across his face he hissed as it nicked the skin, drawing blood. The warlock stared at the droplet of red welling from where the blade caught it, he dabbed it dry only to find it still bleeding. Merlin shivered, he hadn’t managed to make himself bleed in a thousand years and now he had cut himself shaving the beard he hadn’t been able to grow since the sixth century. He finished shaving and carefully dabbed the nick until the bleeding stopped completely, then turned back to the kitchen to make breakfast.   
  
The first few weeks were difficult, Merlin had forgotten how clumsy he could be and found himself scalded by coffee, sliced by paper and vegetable knives, bruised by table corners and hiding it from Arthur had become a task in itself. Anna was the first person to notice.  
  
“Fuck!” Merlin cursed as the searing liquid turned his hand an impressive shade of lobster.   
  
Anna raised a brow and passed him a towel, kneeling down to collect the broken pieces of the mug, “Are you ok Emrys? I’ve never seen you spill coffee on yourself, occasionally on the counter or on your apron but you’ve never scalded yourself before.” He looked at her, then back at his hand, “I can deal with this, just go and run it under some cold water.” She watched him as he made his way into the kitchen and frowned.  
  
Merlin cursed his own clumsiness, he hadn’t needed to be careful in so long it felt like learning to walk again. But he had to do this, he had to make sure he at least _looked_ unharmed for Arthur. He couldn’t find out, he’d only worry. Merlin just had to keep himself out of trouble and out of harm’s way, how difficult could that be?  
  
~~~~~  
  
The building was strange. It wasn’t anything like the buildings Arthur had visited before, it was cold and white and far too clean. People around him were always in a hurry, wearing strange uniforms in various colours, he would have told Merlin that they reminded him of his pyjamas. Merlin would have laughed.   
  
Arthur was vaguely aware of Anna and Rhiannon as he sat in the glass box, the chairs were hard and the whole place smelled sour, a strange mix of clean and sick. They were fussing, passing him tea and coffee, touching his arms, holding his hands but everything felt numb. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Merlin was the most powerful sorcerer in history, he had lived for a thousand years, fought in wars and survived plagues, he couldn’t die in a car accident. The police had dropped by, their voices mumbled and distant, the driver had been drunk, it was dark, he had been wearing jeans and a black jacket, there was no way he could have been seen. They carried on talking but the words were lost. He looked down at his hands, his shirt had a dark stain smudged onto it, the same colour as the stains on his hands. He didn’t smell clean or sick, he smelled metallic, dirty and far too alive for his own liking. For a moment he forgot why he was there.  
  
“Are you Emrys Jones’ next of kin?” a voice said from behind them.  
  
Arthur’s head cleared just a little as Anna rushed forward, “Yes, we are, please, is he going to be ok?”  
  
“That remains to be seen, we have stabilised the internal bleeding but he suffered a severe head trauma and has had to be put into a medically induced coma until we are confident that there is no irreparable damage. When he wakes up we will see what cognitive functions have suffered, if any. _Then_ we will see if he is going to be ok.”  
  
“Can we see him?” Rhiannon said quietly.  
  
The doctor frowned and pursed his lips, “You can see him, yes, but don’t expect any response as of yet and please, try not to be too alarmed.”  
  
Arthur swallowed thickly and followed the doctor as he led them through corridors and rooms lined with beds, each separated by colourful curtains. They pushed through one large set of doors and stopped as they approached the next.  
  
“If you could disinfect your hands before we enter the ICU, thank you.”  
  
Anna and Rhiannon lathered up their hands and rubbed the soap in until it disappeared with a strong alcoholic smell. Arthur followed suit, going through the motions, his heart pounding at the thought of what lay ahead, through the last set of doors.  
  
There was a sharp buzzing sound and the doors clicked open. There was a round reception table in the centre of the room surrounded by several smaller rooms with large, glass windows.  
  
The doctor gave the woman at the desk a nod and directed them to a room on the right hand side. He pushed the door open and gestured into the room.  
  
“One person at a time only I’m afraid. The other two can stay just outside.”  
  
Anna thanked him softly and placed a hand on Arthur’s back, “You go first Arthur, love.”  
  
As he walked into Merlin’s room all feeling he had left dulled to a low throbbing pain. In front of him was an assortment of machines all beeping and buzzing and whirring, their blinking lights tauntingly cheerful under the washed out fluorescent bulbs. Arthur didn’t move for a few minutes, frozen on the spot until he felt a familiar hand gently squeeze his shoulder.  
  
“Are you ok going in there?”  
  
He shook his head stiffly and stepped forwards. Merlin was strung up to the machines with a plethora of wires and tubes. His skin was mottled with bruises and wrapped up with bandages of various shapes and sizes, the largest cradling his shaved head. Arthur felt a stinging in his eyes and a raw lump form in his throat. His legs began to shake and the room started to swim, he turned around and broke into a run. The whole building was stifling, the sounds, the smells, it was all so futuristic, so wrong. This wasn’t where Merlin belonged. Merlin, so full of life and laughter and love and he was stuck in the clinical nightmare that was the metal and glass cage of a hospital. Arthur felt the bile rise in his throat as he exited the front doors. Anna found him leaning over the nearest bin, gasping for air between choked sobs.  
  
“This can’t be happening. Anna, this can’t be happening!”  
  
The older women wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, she felt his shoulders begin to shake as he let go, the sobs wracking his body, his legs threatening to give way beneath him.  
  
“He waited for me. We were supposed to be together, like we used to be.”  
  
Anna bit her lip, blinking back the tears as she stroked Arthur’s hair, “I know, love, I know.”


	15. Unrequited Love and Other Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur discovers some hard truths about Merlin's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few of you were asking about Zach and I was struggling to finish the chapter I was writing so here is a chapter to keep you guys going. Sorry it's short again but thank you so much for your patience and your continued support, you guys are what keeps me writing! 
> 
> And thanks again to Anna, my lovely beta, without her this would all be gobbledigook!

Arthur visited the hospital every day. He didn’t always make it into Merlin’s room but he visited nonetheless. On a good day he would sit by Merlin’s bedside and talk about the past, rub his fingers over Merlin’s knuckles and talk about Gwaine and Percival and Lancelot and Leon, in the hope that something would trigger in his brain, anything, just enough to spark activity in his brain. Something to bring him back.  
  
Some days he would stand by the window and watch him, sometimes he could even convince himself he was sleeping, just resting his eyes, taking a nap before his next shift at the café or the next chapter of his book. It reminded Arthur of all the times he had woken up next to him and just watched his chest rising and falling in the pre-dawn light. His heart ached to be back there, for all of this to be another fever-dream that could be washed away with kisses and soft words mumbled comfortingly in the dark. Yet every day he would wake up alone and drag himself to the hospital and it would still be real and the pain in his chest would still be hanging there as a constant reminder of what he had to lose.  
  
Most days he wouldn’t make it up to the ICU, he would just sit in the cafeteria and stare into the murky cup of instant coffee that he compulsively bought but never drank.   
  
On bad days he wouldn’t even make it through the front door, all glass and metal, sliding unbidden in and out at the slightest movement. He would stand there and look at them. Then turn around and walk home.   
  
The hospital was, for most people, too far to walk from the village but on those darker days human interaction was just a little too difficult for Arthur to bear.  
  
He didn’t take the roads, he preferred the footpaths through the fields, he sometimes met ramblers but most of the time he was alone. He liked to walk alone, the vastness of the fields and the mountains and the lakes took him back, he could pretend he was home, he was a king, he had a queen, he had his knights, there were no flying metal boxes and the man he loved wasn’t dying because of one. He could lose himself in his thoughts when he was alone in the countryside, the summer grass was so vibrant and green and even when the sky was grey and there were spattering of light rainfall everything was so bright and full of life he could forget about everything and just be. Sometimes he needed that, to just forget. It didn’t matter that he was cold or wet or lost, he just kept walking and he found himself where he needed to be. The bad days would often lead him to the beach by the lakeside, the crunch of the pebbles under his boots was a soothing sound and he would dip his hot, tired feet into the cool water below. Sometimes he would sit there for hours, well after the sun had sunk below the mountains, and watch the lights from the village flicker and dance off the surface of the lake, the only sounds the rustle of the wind in the trees and the lap of the water at his feet.  
  
That afternoon he found himself outside Anna’s, the bell tinkled as he opened the door. He froze as he looked up to see a familiar figure standing by the counter. He felt a slow burning rage begin to simmer in the pit of his stomach as Zach leaned on the wood by the till, his blonde hair coifed in a gentle quiff just glancing over his eyes.  
  
“You!” he bellowed from across the room. The American spun round, his confusion turning to smug satisfaction as he saw Arthur striding towards him, “What the _hell_ are you doing here?!”  
  
He narrowed his eyes, “Buying a cup of coffee? It’s a free country, I have every right to be here.”  
  
“You ignorant piece of shit! Merlin is in the hospital, in a goddamned coma because of your little stunt!”  
  
Zach’s face fell slightly, “I fail to see how _I_ have anything to do with him being in hospital.”  
  
Arthur huffed a disbelieving laugh, “Your stupid stunt! We fought about it and he ran off and …” his voice cracked a little and he paused, “He was hit by a car, he …” he bit his lip until he could taste the blood welling, he wouldn’t cry in front of this bastard. He wouldn’t.  
  
To his surprise Zach looked a little crestfallen, “Jesus … fuck…” he breathed  
  
“Yeah, exactly! He had internal bleeding, and a head injury that they aren’t sure he’ll wake up from and …”  
  
“I don’t know why you’re telling me this, I don’t really care.”  
  
Arthur looked up to see the smug sneer back on his face, “Don’t you have any shame? You try to split us up and now you are pretending like you don’t care? Does he mean _that_ little to you?”  
  
Zach snorted, “We fucked. Nothing more, nothing less. He was a pathetic excuse for a man who wanted someone to tell him what to do, to punish him, to hit him and to fuck him. I was his dealer first, of course, I mean I wouldn’t have gone _looking_ for a guy like that!” He laughed and the coil of anger festering in Arthur’s stomach tightened, “He was a wretch, gagging for a hit and when he couldn’t pay he offered me his … services.” There was a smug snarl in the American’s voice that made Arthur feel sick, “There were things he could do with his mouth … let’s just say I forgot all about what he owed me. After that we found ourselves in a sort of … arrangement, so to speak. He would come to me for a hit and I would go to him for a fuck. He used to say the strangest things when he was high. That thing he did the other night was strange too, his eyes …” Zach paled a little, eyes glazing over at the memory, he shivered a little and shook it off, “Weird kid but he had the filthiest mouth …”  
  
Arthur snapped, “Strange? Weird?! He is fucking unique! He is caring and loving and strong and he always, _always_ tries to do the right thing, never thinking for once in his stupid existence that helping someone else might put him in danger. He put himself in danger so many times for me, saved my life more times than I will _ever_ know and survived _so much_ only to be lying in that goddamned hospital dying because of you! You, you stupid, self-centred, arrogant piece of shit! He is strong and loyal and broken in so many ways but he still carries on because he has people who care about him. He wasn’t pathetic, he was lost! You’re the pathetic one! You took advantage of a man who needed help! If you had ever taken a moment to look at him, to see the person he really was … is … you’d have seen that the brightest stars couldn’t burn as brightly as him, you would have held him and treasured him and never let him go!”  
  
Zach sneered, “Just like you did?”  
  
Arthur felt the colour drain from his face, his scowl slipping for a moment before his fist collided with the American’s smug face with a sickening crack.  
  
“You know _nothing_!” He spat, “You know, for a second there I thought you might actually care! I thought you might have been a decent human being, even for just a second, but you’re nothing but a disgusting letch!”  
  
Zach’s expression darkened as he smudged the trickle of blood from under his nose, “ _I_ know nothing?! _You_ know nothing! You didn’t even know I existed, he didn’t even trust you with _that_!” Arthur flinched but Zach carried on, “How much do you really know about him? How long were you gone? You obviously didn’t know about the drugs or you would have known about me, so that begs the question, what else has he kept from you? You, the man who ran away and left him, who tore him apart and ripped out whatever humanity he had left in him until he was just a shell of the man he could have been. I could see there used to be light in his eyes but it was dulled by all the shit life handed him.” He stopped again, smirking at the expression on Arthur’s face, “Does this surprise you? The fact that I care? Are you _that_ egotistical that you honestly thought I’d come back just to try and split you guys up? And for what, a quick fuck? God damn it, I fell in _love_ with him!”   
  
Arthur looked at the man standing in front of him, his cheeks were tinged pink and the flesh just under his eye was already bruising. He let out a shallow sigh, all his bravado gone. He looked tired.  
  
“I fucking fell in love with him. That dirty, skinny, drug addled, pathetic excuse for a human being. He started to make me care for him, I tried to get him off the drugs, I stopped dealing. He made me a better person without even _trying_ , it was like everything he touched turned to fucking gold! I had a reputation to uphold, I was supposed to be untouchable, people couldn’t get me through emotional connections because I _never had_ any! Then he comes along and … fuck … I don’t even know why but I started to care about everything, how we lived, what we ate, I cared what he thought of me. I started to make him dinner and drink sodding _wine_ with him! That piece of shit hated himself and he wouldn’t ever tell me why. I watched it tear him apart and all I had to go by was the name he called out in his sleep. Arthur, do you know why I hate you?” he laughed sadly, “Arthur. That was what he used to say, in between the screaming and the sobbing, your name, and I knew he would never love me. He was always going to be broken, so I let him think I didn’t care, I let _myself_ think I didn’t care, and I left. There. Are you happy now? Are you happy now you know?!”   
  
Arthur stood silently for a moment, drinking in the scene. The café had gone quiet and the man in front of him was breathing heavily, fierce tears pricking the corners of his eyes. His teeth were gritted firmly together and he was clenching and unclenching his hands, seething.   
  
“I hope to dear God that he doesn’t die, I really do, but I am fed up of waiting for him to forget you. You have ruined every relationship he has ever had, the man he could never get but was always chasing. One day we were both tripping balls and he actually told me he lost you, I assumed he meant you died but here you are in all your _fucking_ glory. You call _me_ selfish for taking advantage of him? You were the one who ruined him, who screwed him up so badly that he was begging for me in the first place! After all this time, you had better be worth it.”  
  
With that he threw a fiver onto the counter and stormed out, pausing briefly as he passed Arthur, breathing deeply as if to say something, but continued silently out of the door.


	16. Hope is a Funny Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur contemplates life, sat by Merlin's bedside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so unbelievably sorry that this lame chapter took so long! I've had some terrible writer's block and some personal IRL things going on and it's just not been great for writing (even though I know exactly what to write, it's just not coming out from my head like I want it to) I tried to write other stuff to get out of it but that didn't work, then I tried stopping altogether and that didn't work either! I hope some of you are still around to read this and I hope you enjoy it regardless of its tardiness!
> 
> As always it is unbeta'd, so I apologise for everything!
> 
> Oh and the Italian is just abysmal but I'll put the translation at the bottom.

It was strange, the way time passed by Merlin’s bedside. Sometimes the sky would turn from blue to grey to burnt umber and red before he even had time to register it, the outside world turning black again, signalling the strangers in matching uniforms to once again escort him back into the darkness. Other times he would sit in that room for what seemed like an eternity, the bustling and beeping of people and machines dulled to his ears, leaving an aching silence between him and the man lying in the bed next to him. He would glance up at the clock, the thin red line a vibrant fleck of colour against the white of the face and the walls and the cold, bright lights. It clicked as it moved, the black hands twitching with every movement, waiting expectantly for the minutes to pass. 

One of the legs of the chair that sat next to the bed was slightly shorter than the others, it made the chair rock every time Arthur shifted, the plastic cushion creaking as he did. There were fifteen tiles on the ceiling, or at least he had decided that it counted as fifteen. There should have been more but there was a metal grate that cut through several of the neat, white squares. It wasn’t quite symmetrical, cutting more into one tile than the others. That annoyed him, he wasn’t sure why, he wasn’t a pedant, he never cared that much about the little details but when time was sluggish and he leant back in his skeletal chair to stare at the ceiling for an indeterminate length of time he started to notice the little things. The grate was probably for ventilation, it may have had a fan, he supposed it did since it whirred every now and there was an odd metallic clunk as the possible fan slowed to a halt. Two of the screws that fixed the cover grate to the ceiling were loose. The left-hand end of the right-hand light had started to flicker. There was a scuff on the floor by the door that hadn’t been there a week ago.

Arthur didn’t know why he knew these things, they weren’t important, they shouldn’t help but somehow they did, they gave him something else to think about, gave his eyes somewhere to wander, and excuse not to look at his face. 

The bruises were fading, they had been fierce and dark and swollen, now they were nothing but yellow stains on his skin. He was breathing on his own, there were no pipes forced down his throat any more, just the needles in his arms and the bags of liquid hanging above his head. He almost looked normal, just sleeping. Some days he looked so peaceful Arthur felt the compulsion to rip out the remaining wires and tubes just so he could look at him again and convince himself that it was an ordinary morning, lying in bed, the sheets smelling faintly musty, of Arthur and Merlin and sex and sleep. It hurt going home without him, every night he slept in their bed it smelled less and less of Merlin and it was quickly becoming a smell that he was all too close to forgetting. The man in the bed didn’t smell like Merlin anymore. His skin was cool and smelled like the rest of the room, clean and sick and wrong. He felt that with every passing day he was losing more and more of him. He had panicked one morning when he realised that, even in his memories, he couldn’t hear the sound of his laughter any more. Merlin had been so full of laughter, it was infectious, it always had been. He found himself thinking back to before more frequently, he wasn’t like Merlin, he hadn’t lived for centuries between then and now, dying had been like falling asleep, leaving the world one way and waking up to it another way entirely. He had never been without Merlin for this long, he had always been a constant in his life. When his father died Merlin was there by his side, he had made sure that he hadn’t gone mad with grief. Now it was Merlin in the bed and there was a space next to him that he didn’t know how to fill. Was this how it had been for Merlin? Hundreds of years of fading memories, losing him piece by piece until all that was left were the shadows of half-remembered dreams.

He leant forwards, his face in his hands, feeling the tears slowly eke out again. He was tired, so damn tired of the bedside, the hospital, so tired of being helpless. 

There was a gentle rap at the door. He scrubbed a hand over his face, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“You can come in.” he said, his voice still raw and a little husky. He didn’t talk a lot now, there didn’t seem much point when the only person he wanted to talk to wasn’t going to talk back.

A nurse in a powder blue uniform poked her head around the door.

“Hiya love, still here I see. He’s a lucky boy to have someone so committed staying by his side.” Her smile was sad and sympathetic, this was something she saw every day but that didn’t make it any less painful to watch, “The doctor would like to speak to you, if that’s alright.”

Arthur nodded and gave Merlin’s hand a last, gentle squeeze before standing up. His legs felt stiff and his back hurt from the long hours sat in the rigid chair.

“Mr …” the doctor began, but Arthur shook his head.

“Arthur, please.”

The doctor nodded and glanced down at his chart, “Arthur, as you are probably well aware there has been increased brain activity lately, which bodes well for Emrys’ further recovery but I wanted to warn you, the injury was very severe and often in cases such as this the patient isn’t always the same when they wake up.”

Arthur frowned, “Not the same, what do you mean?”

Sighing the doctor gestured to a bench on the other side of the room. Arthur sat down wearily, wincing as he did.

“Arthur, I’m aware that you and Emrys were in a relationship before this incident, am I correct?” Arthur nodded silently, “With a lot of patients with significant brain injuries there is loss of memory, speech function, motor function and, depending on the area of the brain that was affected, changes in temperament and personality. So I need you to be prepared for the eventuality that your relationship will change significantly if he wakes.”

Arthur felt a clenching in his chest, “He might not remember me and if he does he might be a totally different person?”

The doctor pursed his lips thoughtfully, “It depends how long you have known each other, if you only met recently then it is entirely possible that he may not remember you, but those are memories that he may regain with time. The human mind is an incredible thing and every brain is different, meaning we are dealing with something that is unique on a case by case basis. He won’t be a completely different person but you may notice changes and you may have to be patient with him, but judging by your attendance here, that isn’t going to be a problem.” He smiled at Arthur and placed a hand on his shoulder, “There will be support for both of you throughout the healing period, for the physical and psychological sides.”

Arthur opened his mouth to say something, but the words died on his lips as he heard a noise from the room. The nurse called out from behind the door

“Dove sono? Per favore, mi potete aiutare? Che cosa è questo?”

Arthur threw the door open to see Merlin, eyes wide open, looking around groggily.

“Leonardo, dove è Leonardo?” he said weakly, his voice hoarse and cracking. He furrowed his brow, as his mouth struggled to form the words he was trying so desperately to say, “È questa la chiesa?” he shook his head and screwed up his eyes before taking another good look at the rooma round him. The heart monitor blipped agitatedly, his heart beating faster. He was panicking. “Non abbiamo fatto niente di male, ci atteniamo alle regole ora! Per favore, Signorina!” He reached out to grab the nurse by her sleeve. She looked pleadingly up at Arthur who was still rooted to the spot. He looked from Merlin to the woman and back again, collecting himself and reaching out and grabbing the warlock’s arm firmly.

“Merlin. Merlin!”

He looked dazed as his eyes focussed on the blonde man in front of him. His grip loosened.

“Arthur?” Merlin paused, confusion clouding his expression, “Arthur, what …. How … what’s happening?”

“It’s ok Merlin, I’m right here.” He clasped Merlin’s hand in his own. The warlock looked down at the gesture curiously, his brow furrowing.

“What are you doing? Why are you in Italy? How long have you been back?”

Arthur stilled, the desperate smile slipping from his face, “What makes you think we’re in Italy? We are in Wales, we’ve been in Wales ever since I came back. Merlin, what do you remember?”

There was a wild look in the warlock’s eyes as they flickered frantically around the room, taking the alien surroundings.

“We aren’t in Italy? Where is ‘Wales’, what happened? Where am I, this has got to be a trick, you can’t be here! You’re dead, you aren’t coming back, I waited, you aren’t here this isn’t real.”

He started to back away, scrabbling as far back from Arthur as he could. Suddenly he froze, a pained expression darkening his features. 

“I can’t … I can’t feel my legs. Why can’t I feel my legs? What have you done to me?”

Merlin’s pulse started to race, his breaths shallow and his pupils dilated. 

Arthur cupped his face between his hands. “Merlin, this is me, Arthur. I’m right here, I’m here now, I came back. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m right here, look.” He took a hand and gently wrapped it around the warlock’s wrist, slowly bringing it up to touch his face. Merlin flinched at the gesture but softened into it as his skin touched Arthur’s. His breathing slowed, his eyes fixed on Arthur’s.

“It’s you.”

It was barely a whisper but it was so full of joy it made Arthur’s heart ache.

“It’s me.”

A sluggish smile spread across his face and eyes fluttered shut again. Arthur let out the breath he had been holding, squeezing Merlin’s hand before getting up from the bed shakily.

“He couldn’t feel his legs.” Arthur said quietly.

He could hear the doctor shifting behind him. His voice was low as he spoke, “It appears that there has been some loss of motor functions as well as some memory loss. We shall have to wait and see whether or not it is permanent. With time and therapy he may regain the use of his legs and some of his lost memories but you must be ready for the eventuality that either one of the other may not return at all.”

Arthur felt all of the colour drain from his face. He was numb, the doctor’s voice nothing more than an uncomfortable buzz in his ears. The room was like a void, all of the air sucked from it, leaving him gasping for breath. Merlin had no idea where he was, when he was, he was just as lost and alone as Arthur had been when he had woken up on the shore of the lake almost a year before. Except now it was Arthur who was going to have to guide him through this strange new world, one that he had barely begun to understand himself.

There was a firm hand on his shoulder. He looked up, his gaze meeting the doctor’s.

“This is a positive thing, we’ll be treading carefully and monitoring him closely but his recovery has been significant. You have a lot to be hopeful for.”

Arthur swallowed thickly and nodded. It was times like these that hope seemed like a futile thing, what could hope do to fix Merlin’s mind, or his legs, or guarantee that he would wake up again? Regardless, Arthur found himself clinging to that hope, no matter how vain it really was.

~~~~~

He was ushered out once again by the minions in blue and green and found himself once more outside in the darkness. The walk home seemed shorter than usual, he found himself distracted by the conflicting emotions buzzing around in his head. His heart was heavy with the knowledge of the true extent of Merlin’s injuries but at the same time he was elated just to have been able to hear his voice again. 

He turned the key in the lock and stepped inside. The house was just the same as it had always been, except that now it felt colder, emptier, no longer filled with the bright energy that Merlin had always brought to the place. He glanced into the kitchen, his mind filled with sunlight and distracted kisses, arms wrapped around him and the smell of batter and fruit. He ran a hand over the grain on the chair, the wood was smooth and cool under his fingers. He sucked in a breath, letting out a ragged sigh, the tightness in his chest constricting him almost unbearably. Arthur wanted nothing more than to be back there, to feel that warmth and happiness again. Now all he could feel was the guilt and regret at having ever squandered the time they had had together. Now Merlin barely remembered him, let alone any feelings they shared. He couldn’t just expect Merlin to love him. He couldn’t even expect him to like him, for Arthur knew Merlin still believed he was in a time when all he felt towards Arthur was resentment. He gripped the edge of the chair tighter, his knuckles and fingertips turning pale. It was all so unfair. There was a guttural noise collecting in the back of Arthur’s throat, a painful raw noise that grew into a scream of frustration as he flung the chair across the floor. He collapsed against the kitchen counter, sliding to the floor as sobs shuddered through his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Dove sono? Per favore, mi potete aiutare? Che cosa è questo?” - Where am I? Please, can you help me? What is this?
> 
> “Leonardo, dove è Leonardo?” - Leonardo, where is Leonardo
> 
> “È questa la chiesa?” - Is this the Church?
> 
> “Non abbiamo fatto niente di male, ci atteniamo alle regole ora! Per favore, Signorina!” - We didn't do anything wrong, we stick to the rules now! Please, Miss!


	17. Life is Like a Box of Chocolates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin discovers Harry Potter and Arthur doesn't like hospital coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very, very sorry that this took as long as it did! I went on unofficial hiatus while I moved home to help my mum move house and I was stuck in a rut as it was. But I am back (so don't you fret!) 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, the next one shouldn't take half as long but I will warn you, I am knee deep in NaNoWriMo this month (I actually have original ideas for once, hoorah!)
> 
> This is unbeta'd so any mistakes are very much my own, feel free to point them out and I'll correct them
> 
> Thanks for being so patient, I love all of you very much!

Progress was slow. Merlin’s eyes flitted open and closed, slipping sluggishly in and out of consciousness, never for any prolonged length of time. It drove Arthur mad, seeing those glimpses of the man he had been missing for so many months, but every new development further fuelled that glimmer of hope he had been harbouring all along.  
  
The more time Merlin spent conscious the more curious he became. The first few days had been touch and go, when he was awake he was too exhausted to move, barely speaking except to ask for a sip of juice from the cartons Anna brought with her. After that he started to move a little more, asking to be propped up, holding the cartons for himself, but he still asked very few questions about where he was or what was happening.  
  
It was this that worried Arthur the most. He was so used to Merlin asking questions, if anything he would have said that Merlin asked too many questions before, his always inquisitive mind working on overdrive if there was anything he didn’t know or couldn’t understand.  
  
They didn’t talk much at all. There was some lingering bitterness in Merlin, some kind of resentment that he had been going through from the time he could remember. It tore him in two to feel that way because seeing Arthur stirred something in his chest, it was all he had thought about for centuries and now he was here it hurt how happy it made him to see his best friend again. When everything else was healing, that pain in his chest still lingered but he couldn’t bring himself to act upon it. So often they sat in silence, sometimes they just listened to music. Merlin was particularly fond of Mahler’s 5th and anything by Saint-Saens or Vaughan Williams. He was so constantly exhausted it comforted him to drift off to the subtle piano refrains of Debussy, his lost king sat attentively by his side.  
  
Arthur stayed with him most days, even when they weren’t talking it helped for him just to be there. Merlin’s voice was hoarse from disuse when he started to talk again, but Arthur couldn’t have thought that anything could sound as sweet.   
  
“Arthur?”  
  
His head shot up from the book in his lap, “Yes, Merlin?”  
  
He swallowed thickly, “What are you reading?”  
  
Arthur flushed a little, “Err… Harry Potter.”  
  
Merlin frowned and Arthur felt the blush reach the tips of his ears.  
  
“It’s a book about magic, and wizards. It’s meant for children but it’s really quite good.”  
  
Raising a brow Merlin leant forward to look at the boy and the train on the front cover.  
  
“You? Arthur Pendragon, reading a book about magic and wizards?”  
  
Arthur’s jaw dropped, “Merlin … you know that I don’t … that was my father … I never …”  
  
Merlin gave him an incredulous look, “I think you’ve missed the point. Arthur Pendragon … reading a book.”  
  
Arthur looked at him for a second, jaw slack, before the warlock’s face split into his customary shit-eating grin. He was joking. Merlin was joking with him.  
  
Arthur felt laughter bubble up in his throat. Damn he had missed this and it felt so good just to have that little piece of him that was so _Merlin_.   
  
“Shut up, Merlin!” he gave his friend a gentle nudge and a fond smile, “Speaking of Merlin, you’re sort of famous and this is a book about magic. You actually make an appearance or two.”  
  
Merlin scoffed, “I’m not kidding! You’re practically the foundation for magic, people in this book take your name in vain!”  
  
Merlin chuckled, grimacing a little at the exertion. He turned back to Arthur a little sheepishly, “Would you read it to me?”  
  
The grin he got in return was all the answer he needed. So it became part of their routine. They read the Harry Potter books, just a few hours every day. Then after a while Merlin wanted to branch out, they started The Hobbit, The Little White Horse, Alice in Wonderland and the Chronicles of Narnia, they were children’s books but they were full of bright, colourful imagery and fantastical stories and something about them made the drab hospital room a little easier to live in.   
  
After a while Merlin started to ask about history books, so Arthur began with what Merlin knew; the history from when Arthur had died up until the last thing Merlin could remember. Then they started to fill in the gaps. Arthur knew very little history so it was as much for his benefit as Merlin’s. They even read extracts from Merlin’s writing, the notes and research for his book. Merlin seemed to appreciate that more than anything, it was a much more personal link to the life he had known and it made the whole situation seem that little bit more tangible.   
  
Soon Merlin was reading on his own, although always with Arthur by his side to explain the more modern colloquialisms that escaped him. Even when Merlin became adamant that he wanted to read on his own they continued to read Harry Potter together, although Arthur threw the fifth book across the room and stormed out for half an hour when his favourite character died. It was something that Merlin had never even considered could have been between them. It felt more relaxed than anything they had had before, and yet there was still something distant and Merlin couldn’t quite put his finger on it.  
  
One afternoon when Merlin had been particularly tired they had been reading and Arthur had found Merlin’s head lolling as he read. When he was certain that the warlock was asleep he took the opportunity to slip out. As much as he loved spending time with Merlin he sometimes found the room stifling. There were too many reminders of what had happened. What he had lost.  
  
Arthur wandered through the corridors of the hospital. As unnerving and clinical as the place was it had become as much of a home to Arthur as the cottage by the lake. He wished it hadn’t but the place was familiar now, walking through it left him with a bittersweet aftertaste. Much like Merlin’s room it was a constant reminder of the accident, but at the same time he knew that it was because of this place that Merlin was getting better, that he was inching ever closer to being with him properly again.  
  
He ambled to the cafeteria. The coffee was awful compared to what he was used to, so awful that Anna often dropped by just to drop him off a cup of something from the shop, but he had been getting used to it. He didn’t find the taste quite so abhorrent any more, and on the odd occasion he did, the tea was pleasant enough. Today was one of those days.   
  
He smiled wearily at the woman at the counter who flashed him a warm grin.  
  
“What’ll it be today, love? Coffee day or tea day?”  
  
Arthur felt his smile soften, this particular barista knew him well, she was young and always bubbly, which was welcome in a place like this. He wasn’t sure how she did it, but he was glad she did.  
  
“Tea. Thanks”  
  
She nodded and popped a teabag into a large paper cup.  
  
“How are things today then? You look a little better than you did last time, everything going well?”  
  
The water hissed and steamed as it bubbled into the cup.  
  
“A little better, yeah. And he is as well. Better I mean.” He worried his lip a little, “It’s still … difficult, but I feel like I’m getting a little bit of him back every day.”  
  
The plastic lid clicked as it clipped onto the rim and she passed it over, her smile warm and sympathetic.  
  
“That’s good. Really.” She paused and looked up at him “Anything else for you?” he shook his head and rifled around in his pockets for change, “One pound sixty, love, thank you! Have a good day, now.”  


* * *

  
When Arthur returned he found Merlin sat up in the bed and very much awake. There was an assortment of brightly coloured boxes lying on the table in front of him, pictures of animals and people in costumes, some cars and a few landscapes plastered across them.  
  
“Err… Rhiannon left these for me. She didn’t stay for long but she said that you would explain.” He looked down at the boxes with a mixture of curiosity and guilt ridden grief, “I think she finds being around me difficult. She must have been a good friend.”  
  
Arthur sat down in his customary chair and picked up a box from the top of the pile and turned it over, glancing over the text on the back distractedly. He wrinkled his nose, he had never liked those romantic comedies.  
  
“She was. I mean, she is. The best really, she was here as much as I was before you woke up.”  
  
Merlin’s brow puckered at this. He pursed his lips and turned back to the pile in front of him. Arthur considered him for a moment. He could see how badly Merlin wanted to remember, he was an intelligent person, he could see that the life he had here was good and the people in it gave him a lot to live for. Sometimes Arthur could swear that there was a flicker of recognition on his face, that the memories were there, just beneath the surface, trying desperately to make their way through. Then the look was gone, and the confusion returned. These moments were always so fleeting but he found they were encouraging the little blossom of hope in his chest to flourish. Maybe all he needed was the right motivation.  
  
He placed the case back on the pile and tapped it with his forefinger, “These were some of your favourites. Films and TV shows you enjoyed.”  
  
He slid a few of the less desirable films not so subtly out of Merlin’s view and shifted some of his favourites to the front.  
  
“We watched this one a lot.” He said softly, pushing the Forrest Gump DVD case towards the warlock, “You used to say that watching me trying to adjust here reminded you of him … I mean, we didn’t watch many films, I preferred the TV, and you … well you being you just let me watch whatever I wanted.” He huffed out a sad laugh and glanced down at his hands.  
  
“TV?” he gestured towards the black box in the corner of the room, “The box with the moving pictures, right?”  
  
There was a moment where Arthur’s chest seized up. Hearing Merlin refer to television the way he had done when he arrived was more than a little unnerving. He was so used to being taught, to learning from Merlin. Now he found the role reversal disquieting. He had barely got used to this new world himself, how on earth was he supposed to lead someone else through it?  
  
Shaking the thoughts from him mind he plastered on a smile and looked back up, “Yes, the moving pictures.”  
  
“And these are _like_ the TV except they only contain one specific thing?” Arthur nodded, taking the laptop from out of his bag and placing it on his lap.  
  
“They made Harry Potter into a set of films, but I don’t think we’ve got any here.”  
  
Frowning Merlin took a closer look at the Forrest Gump case “Is this is one that we both enjoyed?”   
  
Nodding again Arthur took the DVD from his hands and popped the disk out of its case, sliding it into the disk drive.  
  
“I’ll get the lights.” He said as the disk whirred to life.  
  
Merlin hummed in acknowledgement, taking the laptop from his friend. His eyes were transfixed on the machine in front of him.  
  
“Fascinating.” He muttered under his breath.  
  
Arthur thought that the film was fairly appropriate given that it was humorous and heartfelt but also had some history in it, something that might help Merlin get a grasp of the world he found himself in.  
  
As much as Arthur loved the film he found watching Merlin was far more entertaining. He was seeing it all for the first time and it was as enthralling to Arthur as it was to him. The way his face lit up when Forrest’s leg braces fell apart and he ran like the wind, the way he laughed at the hospital scene with the ice cream, and the way so many of the references that the warlock had had to explain to Arthur before were now going right over his head. Despite that he didn’t seem to be enjoying the film any less for it. It occurred to Arthur that Merlin really _was_ something wonderful, just the way he was so naturally optimistic, full of life, it didn’t seem to matter the hell he was going through, he always found the little bit of happiness and held onto it so tightly. Before, Arthur had wondered how he had done it, survived all of those years alone, dealing with death and grief every day. Now he didn’t need to wonder, he could see how he did it. There was something indomitable about Merlin’s strength of spirit and Arthur revelled in it. It was almost contagious. Sat here next to him he felt like there wasn’t a single thing they couldn’t weather. If Merlin could do it alone, just think of what they could achieve together.  
  
“Why are you doing that?”   
  
Arthur hummed absentmindedly, his train of thought broken. Merlin gestured towards their entwined fingers. Arthur froze, he glanced down at their hands, then back to Merlin, sliding his hand from the warlock’s grasp.  
  
“Sorry, force of habit.” He mumbled.  
  
Merlin gave him a quizzical look, “Force of habit? In what way?”  
  
Arthur shifted on the bed, he could feel the cold sweat coming over him. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t put him in that position. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.  
  
“Just when you were unconscious, the nurses said physical stimuli would help and your hands were the only part of you not trussed up and covered in wires.”   
  
There was a weak, false smile plastered on his face. It felt like a mask, claustrophobic and wrong, pressed against his skin. He wanted to claw it off, crawl into bed beside Merlin and pepper his bruised and broken skin with kisses. He shuddered involuntarily and shook his head, dislodging the thoughts that had fixed themselves into the forefront of his mind.   
  
When he looked back up a curious expression passed over his friend’s face. “You’re different.”  
  
Arthur huffed out a sad laugh, “Yes.”  
  
Merlin cocked his head to one side inquisitively, but as brave a warrior and King as he had been, Arthur couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze. So he stared at the screen in front of them, hoping fervently that Merlin would lose interest. For a few tense moments the warlock continued to study his face, then, with a small sigh he turned his attention back to the film. Only then did Arthur find his eyes flicking backwards, watching the colours and shadows dancing over Merlin’s features, resigning himself to the leaden weight that had settled in his chest.


	18. Haunted Looks and Fevered Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for being so patient! This is a short one because I wanted to get two out before I go on holiday next week!

_Things were murky. There were colours, all sorts of colours, all swirled and mixed into one, but separate at the same time, ever changing, never staying still. Looking at one changed it to another which in turn changed that one too. It hurt to look too hard. There were people as well, but their faces were blurred and distorted and trying to see them made everything spin faster and faster. He felt sick from trying to work out where he was and why, but he knew that there was something that he was supposed to see. Something important hidden amongst the swirling mass of sights and sounds and smells. He could smell the streets, fresh parchment, horses, sweet batter, fruit, sex.  He could hear voices but he couldn't make out the words. Fragments of conversation. A laugh. A shock of blonde hair. Familiar smalt eyes and searing touch of lips on his skin._  
  
Merlin woke with a gasp. He shuddered, feeling the cold sweat rolling over his skin. This was the third time this week that he had woken from dreams that he couldn't quite piece together.  
  
It felt like something was trying to get through.  
  
The laughter, the smell of kitchen, of home ... it all felt so familiar. It was relaxing, but he couldn't work out why. It was the smell of home, sure, but when and where and who had been with him, pressing fevered kisses down his body.  
  
He hadn't been a virgin since the incident in Mesopotamia, but he had never been kissed like that. The lips weren't hurried or aggressive. There was no agenda, only lingering to give him pleasure and to express fondness. Love.    
  
 _Someone had loved him.  
_  
He sighed and let his head fall back onto the pillow. The ceiling was as bland and white as ever, as were the walls, the blip of the monitors echoing off the them incessantly.  
  
 _Whoever it was was long gone now._  
  
Sighing again he sat up, looking around the room distractedly. Arthur was asleep in the chair next to him. The familiar circles around his eyes darker than usual, his cheekbones sharp against the usually soft contours of his face. He looked gaunt. He hadn't been eating. Perhaps he didn't know how to cook.  
  
It was something that Merlin was finding very difficult to get his head around, the fact that this Arthur wasn't the same as the one who had left him on that beach so many years ago. There was something different about him, some shadow that fell over his features whenever he met Merlin's gaze, and even that was infrequent these days. He wasn't sure what had happened, but Arthur had changed. Maybe it had been the accident, but Merlin had a sneaking suspicion that that was only the tip of the iceberg.  
  
Arthur shifted in his seat, his tired eyes cracking open just slightly. He saw Merlin looking at him, concern etched onto his features. He yawned, scrubbing a hand over his face, offering his companion a weak smile.  
  
"Sorry, Merlin. I must have dozed off. Have you been awake long?"  
  
The warlock shook his head. Arthur took the opportunity to stand up. There was a ripple of little cracks and pops as he stretched out his back. He groaned and ran a hand over his face again.  
  
"I'm going to get some tea. Do you want anything?"  
  
"Could I have some water, please."  
  
Arthur nodded and turned to leave without a second glance.  
  
Really, it should have been obvious. He had woken up in a different millennium to find everyone he ever knew or loved was long dead, but there was something more. There was something older about him. When Merlin had been travelling he had seen a lot of things, the way a man looked coming back from war, a mother after losing her son, a son after losing his mother. He had seen plagues and famine and betrayal. He had seen so many things that could make a person look the way Arthur looked and yet none of it quite fit. It looked like there was something broken in him.  
  
Arthur returned with a cup of tea and a Styrofoam cup of water. The bags were darkly prominent under his eyes and he seemed to be avoiding looking at Merlin as much as he possibly could. That was the strange thing, he looked everywhere _but_ at Merlin, until he thought Merlin couldn't see. Then his eyes roamed over every inch of the warlock with a fevered desperation, his gaze riddled with guilt and a look that Merlin had yet to place.  
  
Merlin took the water from Arthur gratefully and took a sip. The cold water slipping down his throat and soothing the dull burn that itched there. Needless to say the hospital was not the most comfortable place, and even though he was healing, it was slow and he still felt like death warmed up. He ran his teeth over the Styrofoam and shivered. The sensation was very strange.  
  
Arthur let out a hoarse chuckle. "I used to do that too, the first time you gave me those cups. I can't remember what you called it, but I loved the sensation of sinking my teeth into it and hearing it squeak."  
  
Chuckling he bit into the cup, savouring the plasticky squeaking.  
  
When he looked back at Arthur there was that strange softness in his eyes again, in amongst the guilt and exhaustion.  
  
"Arthur," Merlin began, "What happened to us?"  
  
Arthur's expression darkened, a stony expression steeling his feature, but a panicked look flickered in his eyes.  
  
 _Well, that confirms it. There's definitely something else going on.  
  
_ "Something happened, before the accident, I can tell."  
  
His friend looked back down, a gentle plea escaping his lips.  
  
"Please."  
  
Merlin had been right, there was something broken.  
  
"Something must have happened, King Arthur saying please? It must have been the end of the world."  
  
He laughed a little at his own joke, but his humour fell on deaf ears.  
  
"Was I that bad?" Arthur muttered into his tea.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Was I really that bad? Because I really am sorry. I never meant to take you for granted. You were the most valuable person I ever had the fortune of calling my friend."  
  
There was a choked resignation to his voice and it made Merlin's chest ache.  
  
"I never felt like I was taken for granted. You say I was your friend? That's what friends do. Okay maybe the abuse and the bedpans and the sock drawers aren't exactly typical characteristics of _friendship_ but that was what it was. You were a King, we would never have even met if I weren't in that position. I wouldn't have changed a thing."  
  
"You don't owe me anything. Never say that."  
  
"Okay, so the amount of times I saved your life without you knowing probably balances it all out, but still..."  
  
"No, Merlin, you don't understand."  
  
"...then there was that time when your dad married that troll..."  
  
"Merlin"  
  
"...the whole thing the Questing beast..."  
  
"Merlin.  
  
"...that stupid hat! One day I'm going to have to get you back for how unbelievably obscene that hat wa-"  
  
" ** _Merlin!_** "  
  
Merlin stopped and looked at Arthur. There it was. The shard. The broken piece of him.  
  
"It was my fault."  
  
Merlin stared at him for a few seconds, "What was your fault?"  
  
"This" he said, gesturing to the hospital bed, "The whole accident was because we had that stupid fight!"  
  
"We had a fight? But we always fight, why were we fighting?"  
  
"I ... I don't even care anymore." his voice cracked just a little, "but Merlin I went through it too. I had to watch you die and it tore me open. I saw you lying there and all I could think was how much I wished you could have taken me with you. I wasn't coming back just to lose you again. I wanted to die as well, if it meant not having to live without you. And it was all because of me.  
  
All this time I thought ' _I can't even begin to imagine what it felt like'_ but I can now. I don't have to imagine it. Every time I close my eyes I see you lying there. And there was so much blood..."  
  
Merlin looked in awe at the man stood in front of him. He had found what was broken.  
  
He leant over and touched Arthur's arm. He flinched at the contact but didn't move.  
  
"This wasn't your fault. I don't care what we were fighting about, it wasn't your fault."  
  
Arthur lifted his eyes to meet Merlin's for the first time in what seemed like an age. They were rimmed red and darkly sunken but they were still his Arthur's eyes, that unmistakable, stormy blue, and gods had he missed them.  
  
"Whatever it was that you think you did, whatever happened, it's gone now. It's gone and I'm back, with you. I know how it feels to see that. To replay that image in your head over and over, but I promise you, I'm not going to leave you again, and nothing, _nothing_ you did could ever be unforgivable."  
  
Arthur laughed a strangled, bitter laugh. "There is so much you don't know. So much you don't understand."  
  
"Then help me understand!"  
  
Merlin was getting frustrated. He couldn't remember himself, and there was something that Arthur was hiding from him. He got up from the chair and began to make his way towards the door. Arthur had never had a problem with speaking his mind before. What had changed? Why was now so different?  
  
"Don't you dare walk away from me!"  
  
Merlin reached down for the cup of half drunk tea lying by the leg of the chair. It wouldn't scald him but lobbing lukewarm tea at his back would at least get his attention.  
  
Merlin cried out as hot, sharp pain shot up his body. All of his muscles failed him. He felt the needles and wires tearing out of him as he collapsed onto the floor into a heap of tangled limbs and searing pain.  
  
The anger fell from Arthur's face as he spun around, rushing to Merlin's side.  
  
There were furious tears now, spilling down the warlock's cheeks. Something was different. Not just with Arthur now.  
  
"Merlin, what's wrong? Should I fetch the doctor?"  
  
The only reply was a laugh, disbelieving and pained.  
  
"My legs," he whimpered, "I can feel my legs."


	19. Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thank you so much for being so patient. I've just gone back to uni after taking a year out and, needless to say, it's been very hectic. I've also been having some real trouble with this story, I know where I want it to go, but getting it there has proven to be very difficult. I'm thinking of going back and rewriting a lot of it, keeping the main stuff but adding and taking away other bits, just generally making it flow better and making it feel more like a whole story than a jumble of badly written chapters. Let me know what you think, you guys are the reason I'm still writing and I really value your opinions.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter. Things are looking up (finally)

There were tests. Of course there were tests, but Arthur hadn't expected it to be quite this brutal. The doctors and nurses seemed to take every opportunity to stick needles in him, taking samples of blood every few hours or so. There were machines that lit up and pinged and beeped and if it weren’t for the fact that Merlin was so utterly exhausted, Arthur was sure that their incessant noise would make it impossible for him to sleep. Then there was the tunnel. Arthur had no idea what it was, the doctor had tried to explain but it was more than he could take in. It was in a room, separated from a smaller room by a pane of glass. It was bigger than the other machines, Merlin had to be taken to it, rather than it being wheeled into his room. Arthur had insisted on pushing him in his chair himself, it was petty and stupid, but there was so much that Arthur didn't understand, and so little that he could really do. Being able to do this one thing was more of a comfort to Arthur than he was willing to admit.

Merlin was laid out on the slab outside the tunnel, a nurse lifted his legs up, resting them on an oddly shaped cushion. She smiled at him. "To take the pressure off your back, love." she said reassuringly.

  
The white hospital gown pooled down over Merlin's slight figure and Arthur repressed a shudder as he thought how much like a shroud it looked. It reminded him all too much of the night they had watched Romeo and Juliet together. To Merlin it was a classical tale of tragedy and young love, to Arthur, it was something completely new. It had left him feeling very strange, a hollow sadness seeping through the warmth of their evening together. Something about it had felt eerily familiar, and seeing Merlin laid out in that a little too close to home for his liking. Merlin saw him watching and shot Arthur a nervous glance. Arthur smiled back warmly, but his eyes shared his apprehensions. The machine looked huge and terrifying in comparison to any of the others. As Arthur was ushered out, a feeling of dread settled in his stomach. The doctor showed him into a small room filled with screens. One wall was entirely made of glass and Arthur could see Merlin and the machine through it. One of the nurses passed Merlin a large, grey button, covering his ears with a set of earmuffs and lowering a white, plastic cage over his head. She walked around him to the other side of the machine and carefully raised the slab up and slid it into the tube. That was when the droning started, a low level thudding emanating from the machine.

The image moved back and forth on the screen, a maze of white and grey and black ebbing and flowing. Leaning forward, Arthur took a closer look. There was the outline of Merlin's skull, a vague outline of his eyes, ears and nose and the creeping pattern of his brain encased inside. It was sort of beautiful, in a strange, morbid way. Arthur found it more than a little mesmerising. One of the technicians pressed a button to her right. Suddenly the screen filled with colours. The doctors were talking to Merlin through the intercom and the colours flashed and changed as he replied. When they asked him to move his arms, the colours died down, before returning, slowly, in small patches in the middle of the image. She pressed the button again and asked him to move his legs. Once again, the image stilled to a monochrome. Arthur tensed. He looked into the room. Merlin wasn't moving. There wasn't so much as a twitch. Then, a small speck, a little flourish of orange and yellow blossomed on the screen next to where it had done before. Arthur let out a breath that he hadn't realised he'd been holding. There was the flicker of a smile tugging at the doctor's lips and Arthur's heart surged. Even if they were reluctant to say so yet, something must have been going right.

 

* * *

 

The doctor told them it was very encouraging and that after some careful monitoring Merlin could start the physiotherapy that would, with a lot of hard work and just a pinch of good luck, get him back on his feet again.

Of course, when it came to Merlin, it was never just luck. As the days went by things got better and better. Merlin could feel that familiar cool rush that left his fingertips tingle that he recognised as his magic coming back to him, healing him as best it could. He still felt very lost in this new world, and there were still so many things that he didn’t understand, but the longer he spent watching the television, reading the newspapers, and talking to the people, the better his perspective of his new home became. There was plenty of discord and discontent, but so much potential bubbling away under the surface. It seemed like people got wrapped up in such petty things, allowing the unimportant things to rule their lives. But then there was so little big problems to distract from the little ones that Merlin found it easy to understand why. Despite his current predicament, he was living in relative luxury. He had running water, hot and cold, he was never hungry, he had people who cared for him and looked after his wellbeing and were doing everything in their power to get him in full working order again. If this was how everyone in this new world lived, he could see why the only things to complain about would be the insignificant ones.

Then there was Arthur. He was so different to how Merlin remembered him. He was friendly, polite, he cared about people openly. He smiled at the doctors and nurses, his thanks were always sincere and heartfelt, and he spent hours at a time sat at Merlin’s bedside. He asked for nothing in return, not even thanks. Compared to the Arthur Pendragon that Merlin had left behind all those years ago, he was a completely different person. There was a woman, her name was Anna, and the way Arthur was around her was fascinating. He offered to get her drinks, to carry her bags, and he let her hold him when he thought that Merlin couldn’t see. She seemed to treat him like a son and yet they couldn’t have known each other for more than a couple of years. There was something softer, gentler about Arthur, without the burden of a kingdom he had let go, he had become the young man he should have been the whole time. He seemed so open with everyone, everyone that was, except Merlin. There was a shadow that haunted his face every time he was around him, it reminded Merlin all too much of his own reflection every time he had lied to keep himself and others safe. Arthur was carrying a secret, keeping something from him, and it was killing him.

What made it worse was that every now and then Merlin would look at Arthur and there would be flickers of recognition. It was like something was trying to piece together a puzzle that had no corners and extra pieces. It was constantly tugging at the very edges of his memories with ghosts of images, rays of sunlight on golden skin, the flash of a smile, the burbling sound of laughter…

He wanted to figure it out, he needed to know. Before he had woken up, or at least what he could remember from before, he had all but given up hope. He had felt bitter and twisted, he felt like Arthur had given up on him, that he was never coming back and that he would be forced to wander the earth alone and immortal for all eternity. Then he woke up here, and Arthur was there, by his side, as though he had never left. Then every day since then he had stayed there, reserved, but still there. It was difficult for him to wrap his head around it all. Arthur had never cared before, and now he cared so much that he pretended like he didn’t just to spare him the explanation of whatever it was that had changed him so profoundly. There were times when Merlin almost thought he saw a flicker of desperate affection, in the darkness when they were watching a film or a TV show, when Arthur’s eyes spent more time studying his face than watching the screen. Of course, Merlin had given up on any idea of that sort of thing the day Arthur had married Gwen. She was the great love of his life and learning that she had died so long ago must have torn him apart.

Despite that, Merlin found that having Arthur there filled him with renewed fervour. Seeing him still hurt, in a way, but that fluttering remained, low in his stomach. He wanted to get better, he wanted to walk again, just to see Arthur smile again. 

So he endured the pain, the needles and the tests. He worked through his frustrations, he didn’t let the anger get to him every time he failed. He looked at Arthur and he saw everything he needed to see.  
  
  


* * *

 

Arthur didn’t know why things started getting better. He didn’t care. All he cared about was that Merlin was getting better, and boy was he getting better. In less than a month he had gone from throbs of pain being the only indication that his legs were responsive at all, to moving his toes, then his feet, then stretching and bending his legs unassisted.

Merlin spent his days resting or with a  woman referred to as his "therapist". She told them to call her Julie. Their first session was painful, not only for Merlin, but for Arthur as well. He hated the way it hurt him, and he hated the way she touched him, her hands on his legs, pushing them up and out and down, stretching out his muscles. He knew it was essential, that without her he would be in even more pain and he may never be able to walk again. Still, he hated the way she was leaning over him, her perfect auburn hair tied back in a ponytail, falling lazily over her shoulder as she talking soothingly to him. He hated her freckles and her kind, laughing eyes, creased at the edges from years of long hours and other people's pain. He hated that she was the one who held his hand when he stood for the first time. He hated the way his eyes lit up when she walked in. He hated that she was helping him to get better in so many ways and there was nothing he could do to help.

It was at its worst the day Merlin tried to walk on his own. He wanted so badly to press kisses into his hair, to tell him how proud of him he was, to put a steadying arm around his waist, or a hand by his elbow. He didn’t though. Worrying his lip he stepped back, knowing that this was something he couldn’t help with, even if he had a way to do so. This was something Merlin had to do on his own. In that moment it wasn’t as if Merlin was a thousand years old, it wasn’t as if he had once been the most powerful sorcerer the world had ever seen, it was as though he was just a boy, the stupid, clumsy, ridiculous boy who had captured a King’s heart so many years ago. That boy seemed so small and frail in comparison to the feat he was about to attempt. To Arthur it seemed as if every person in the room had held their breath all at once.

Gripping the metal rail in front of him until his knuckles whitened and grimacing all the while, Merlin pulled himself up from his wheelchair. Arthur could see the strain in his face, the muscles in his forehead and down his neck taut with concentration and pure effort. He began to lower his weight achingly slowly onto his legs, Julie stood by his side, her words a steadying flow of encouragement. For a moment there was a slight tremor in the muscles and Arthur wasn’t sure they could take it, but sure enough, the bare soles of Merlin’s feet met solidly with the cold floor. He released the railing hesitantly and swayed slightly before stilling. He glanced up at Arthur and shot him a weak smile, not quite dispersing the fear still apparent in his eyes. The smile that Arthur shot back, however, steeled a determination in the warlock. What Merlin saw in Arthur’s smile was probably more than Arthur had intended on letting him see. There was a warmth, a pride and a fierce loyalty that took Merlin by surprise and fuelled his resolve. With a wince he braced himself on the metal bars once more before forcing all of his will power into the muscles in his right leg. Merlin felt a spark, some slow burning ember inside him flare up as the pain shot up his leg and his stiff limb moved forward, his foot lifting upwards then planting back down again a little way in front of his left one.

Arthur felt a grin split his face as Merlin took his first tentative step. The pain on the warlock’s face twisted into an expression of pure joy and the light in his eyes was almost more than Arthur could take. He felt a laugh burst from his lips, a nervous, disbelieving laugh that turned his limbs to jelly and made his heart sing. The moment swelled his chest with love and pride so much he just wanted to gather Merlin into his arms and show him just how much love and pride he really felt. Instead he doused the itch and slapped his friend on the back encouragingly instead.

After that first, momentous success they had a session like that every week, and every week Arthur watched her take his hand, help him up, beam at him, hug him and tell him how proud of him she was. Arthur was practically twitching when Anna knocked on the door, poking her head through the gap.

"Am I alright to come in? I've only brought something for Arthur, since he refuses to leave the room." She shot him a disapproving look.

Julie smiled and beckoned her in. The older women eyed Arthur, a small smirk forming on her face as she studied his stiff posture and brooding gaze.

  
“Actually, Arthur love, how about we take this outside, give you a break and leave Julie to work her magic.” Anna said, giving Arthur a pointed look.  
  
He winced at her choice of words and glanced back at Merlin. He hated to leave them alone but there was something in Anna’s eyes that scared him a little.

“Arthur?”  
  
Yes, there was definitely something commanding about her tone. Anna wasn’t the kind of woman to be ignored. Arthur shot Merlin one last look before following Anna out into the corridor.  
  
“The weather is nice enough, fancy getting some fresh air?” she said as she made her way to the lift. It wasn’t really a question, so Arthur kept quiet and followed her inside.  
  
The benches outside the hospital were far from luxury, and the sound of the city detracted from any sense of peace that he could have garnered from venturing outside the hospital’s drab walls. She pushed a sandwich wrapped in foil in his direction. He took it gratefully and they ate in silence for  a while.  
  
"Why?" She said softly.  
  
Arthur looked up from his cup of coffee. "Hmm?"  
  
Anna had a thoughtful look on her face, her brow puckered just slightly, a flicker of confused concern darkening her expression."Why do you let him carry on believing that you two are still just friends?"  
  
"Because to him, we are. Where he is from in his life, he doesn't love me. He loves someone else. I hear him muttering her name in his sleep." he replied solemnly.  
  
Anna raised a brow. "Her?"

"Merlin was always so free with his love. He could love so easily, and he loved so many people so openly ... that's the thing about him, he never judges anyone on things they can't control. He loves a person for who they are, not what they are. I suppose he's taught me something there, you see for me, it isn't that I like men ... I was actually married, to a woman ... it's just ... him. It's just Merlin."

Anna considered this quietly a moment. "If you care about him that much, if you love him in the way you say you do, why do you keep lying to him?"

Arthur was silent, swallowing the lump in his throat thickly. If he told Merlin then he would feel obliged. He would stay with him because he would feel like it was a necessity. That was just the way Merlin was. He always put everyone else before himself. He’d never really love him. 

"Because I want this to be real for him too. This is it for me. I know that I'll love him whether he regains his memories or not. I love him for everything that he is and ever was, even when I wasn’t a part of his life. It took me far too long to realise it, but what I feel is real. I wasted so much time wondering if it was the right thing and squandered his love. I ... I just want it to be real for him too."

There was a touch of sadness in the older woman’s expression now. "So you want him to fall in love with you again, of his own accord?"

Arthur nodded.

Anna smiled. It was a genuine, warm smile, the kind that Arthur hadn't seen from her in months.

"So I guess we're back in business then." she said with a wink.

"What?"

There was a cheeky glint in her eyes. "You wooed him once before, albeit with my help. Don’t you think we can do it again?"


End file.
